Demons
by Heartshapesbones
Summary: Following the fallout of the fire, Carla has hit the self destruct button. Tw for references to suicide and eating disorders
1. Demons

**Demons**

 _Look into my eyes_

 _It's where my demons hide_

 _It's where my demons hide_

 _Don't get too close_

 _Its dark inside_

 _It's where my demons hide_

Its easy to deceive yourself, you don't let anyone get close, to ground you and remind you are still human, not the monster you have created in your head. The homewrecker, the alcoholic, the gambler, the _**killer**_.

You live your life on a knifes edge, adrenaline pulling you through, even at the end of the day, your body exhausted, you don't sleep, you sit with your demons and allow them to manifest In your mind, replaying your life's mistakes, the regrets and the pain, you quickly snap back to reality, not allowing your mind to take you back to the darkest of moments, you need something, you need control

"I hope she's at a casino" Nick laughs, he's serious, Carla's behaviour had become so erratic recently, he wishes it was just as simple as the gambling. Her drinking had become increasingly concerning, she didn't sleep, she didn't eat...

"She's skin and bones, she says she eats, but I know she doesn't" he looks up at Rob, realising the only time she eats a proper meal is when she's at the Bistro

"What's her favourite dish, I could cook her up a meal" Rob looks at Nick, feeling guilty, wanting to help, knowing all of Carla's pain is solely because of the woman, who until recently he had shared a bed with

Nick sighs and runs a hand through his hair "I think all she's interested in here is the drink" he looks over to the door, hoping she will walk through at any minute.

"I bet she's at a bar, drinking cocktails on her own, probably finish the night by wrapping her car round a tree" Nick shakes his head at the thought, he looks up at Rob who looks shocked at his admission, Nick laughs it off, knowing if he didn't laugh he would cry

"You better get back to the kitchen" Nick adds, standing up, he can't keep sitting here thinking about the woman he loves destroying herself, she did tell him she would end up hurting him in the end. He walks back to the bar and checks his phone, wishing, hoping, that she had sent him a text, even if it was to ask for money, he would give her anything to stop her gambling with her life. He texts Michelle and suggests they look for her, he can't keep torturing himself with scenarios of how he would find Carla. He leaves Leanne and Rob to close the Bistro, unable to wait any longer.

"Casino first? " Michelle is waiting beside his car, pulling her coat around her to keep the chill out, Nick nods as he unlocks the car and starts the engine. Michelle looks at Nick, she can see how broken he is, how much he cares about Carla, how much he loves her...

"Once she's in self destruct mode she won't let anyone help, especially those who want to make her feel better about herself" Michelle looks out the window, remembering when Carla had told her about her suicide attempt after the rape, should she tell Nick? Surely she had learnt from the last time, and Michelle had swore never to tell anyone, she hadn't even told Steve.

The drive to the casino was quick, Nick remembering the first time Carla had taken him there, he knew he should of tried to stop her then, but he was with Erica then.

He parked up, in the same spot she had parked all those weeks ago. It had started to rain, Nick hoping she would be inside, not out somewhere in this weather, drunk and vulnerable.

They rush inside, both praying she will be inside, she will give them that look, complain that they came looking, telling them she doesn't need anyone's help. But she's not here, she hasn't been in for over a week, the colour drains from Nicks face.

They drive around for over a hour, having no luck. Nick tells Michelle she should go home, get some rest, he'll go back to Carla's flat, she had given him a key, it felt right, that he could come and go as he pleased, knowing he could check she was safe. He drops Michelle off outside the rovers and drives back to their apartment block.

He takes the stairs leading to the flat, each step full of hope that he'll find her there, he'd even accept finding her passed out, drunk on the sofa. He lets himself into her flat, it's empty, boxes still pulled up and unopened, like she was planning on running at any minute, because that's what she's good at it, isn't it?

Nick puts the keys on the counter, looking at the empty wine glasses in the sink, next the to numerous empty bottles of wine. He shakes his head and grabs a bag to put them in and places them next to the bin. He looks in the fridge, it's empty apart from some orange juice he had insisted she kept for her hangovers, he really should buy her some food, make sure she starts eating more, he had noticed the weight loss, the way her clothes started to hang on her already slight frame and what was it Erica had said? "cheekbones like wing mirrors"

Nick frowned slightly and sighed, he knew she wouldn't let him take care of him, but maybe he could make sure she started taking care of herself better.

He took his jacket off and hangs it over the back of the sofa, his hand lingering as flashbacks of the nights they spent together go through his mind, easier times, happier times. Nick softly smiled to himself and walked over towards the window, he looked out into the night, the rain subsiding, leaving puddles, the street lights reflecting in them, it seemed so peaceful, a far comparison to his mind, he pressed his head against the glass, relishing the coolness, he inhaled, trying to process the past few hours, processing how fast Carla was deteriorating, in mind and health.

Finally Nick heard the key turn in the door, his heart in his throat, his eyes locking with hers, she had been crying, _**again**_ , he saw the wall that she was building to protect herself, but he also saw how easily that wall could become cracked and broken. They stand and look at each other for what seems an eternity, he knows she won't make the first move, she won't appear weak, he walks slowly over to her and let's her fall into his arms, burying her head under his chin, he can smell the alcohol on her as he kisses her softly on the head, he closes his eyes and forces back the tears, she's safe, for now.


	2. Blame Like Me

Nick leads me over to the sofa, the silence deafening as my mind is racing, I sit and he kneels in front of me, taking my hand gently, like I'm made of glass and will break at his touch

"You're freezing" he whispers, kissing the back of hand, worry etched on his face, he looks up at me, knowing he's trying to figure out what's going on In my head. I can't bear to see the pity in his eyes, I pull my hand away and draw my knees up to chest, wrapping my arms around myself and burying my head, I need to shut him and the world out.

I suddenly realise how cold I am, but it's still not as cold as I feel inside, I laugh softy to myself at the thought, what is it people refer to me as, the ice Queen? I feel Nick wrap his jacket around me and say something about making me a coffee and running a bath, I briefly lift my head to nod, unable to speak, knowing the only noise that would escape my lips would be a whimper, and I've already appeared too weak, too vulnerable.

I sense Nick moving around me, my mind lost in thought, it's only when Nick places the steaming cup of coffee in front of me, and feel the sofa moving under his weight as he sits next me that I allow myself to drift back into reality

"Where have you been?" Nick finally asks, knowing that he's been dying to ask me since I walked back through the door, I sigh and allow myself to look at him, I notice how tired he looks, his eyes reflecting the same look of damage as my own

"I was going to go to the Casino, but you know, no money" I laugh bitterly "so I went and got myself a bottle of vodka, went and sat up at the quarry" I hear his sharp intake of breath "Used to go up there as a kid, with Rob, needed to clear my head" I quickly add, he doesn't need to know what thoughts were going through my mind when I was there, I wonder if Michelle has divulged to him about my suicide attempt after Franks attack, I look back over at him, searching his eyes for clues

"You should have called" he adds, looking hurt, I quickly look away, unable to see the damage I'm inflicting upon him

"I'm going for this bath" I stand suddenly, too fast it seems as my vision blurs, supporting myself on the coffee table, Nick is by my side in a flash, one hand supporting the small of my Back, the other under my arm, I try to shrug him off but he doesn't allow me

"You need to eat" he says sharply, I shake my head, my body too numb for food

"What I need is for you to stop fussing " I snap, my vision returning as I walk towards the bathroom "why don't you just go home, Nicolas "

"I'm not leaving you alone In this state" he replies, just as sharply as I had previously spoken, he walks towards me, my body far too exhausted to fight him on this one. He reaches for the light in the bathroom, taking my hand as he does and sits me on the edge of the bath. He places the plug in the bath and turns the taps, the gentle noise of the water calming me

"Leave the door unlocked " he orders, and passes me a fresh towel "I'm making you something to eat" he looks over at me his face full of concern, I simply nod, knowing it's not up for discussion, I wait for him to leave and hear the click of the door, I stand and look at my reflection in the mirror, pulling my hair up into a tight bun I examine my face, the dark circles under my eyes, my already pronounced cheekbones sharper than ever. I sigh and look away, slowly undressing and allowing my aching bones to sink into the welcoming heat from the water, the smell from my bubble bath comforting, I finally relax.

I stand outside the bathroom door, listening to Carla's movements, waiting to hear that she is safe, as I hear her descend into the bath, the sound of the water moving, I finally exhale, not realising I had been holding my breath. As I make my way back towards to kitchen I grab my phone from my discarded jacket on Carla's sofa and quickly send Michelle a message and put her mind at rest, she offers to come round but I tell her to wait until the morning, unsure of Carla's state of mind, I don't tell her where Carla has been, knowing it could push Carla further over the edge. My mind suddenly flashes images of her standing on the edge of the quarry, the bitter wind blowing her hair over her perfect face, her eyes full of sorrow, making those final steps, her body laying lifeless, I quickly push the thoughts out my mind. I reach for the cupboard, looking for something Carla can eat, I find a tin of soup at the back, and half a empty bottle of vodka, sighing I place the vodka in bag with the empty bottles of wine and place the tin of soup on the counter, I search for a saucepan and gently heat the soup, I hear Carla moving around in the bathroom, she soon emerges wrapped in a towel, a little more colour to her cheeks. It's only now that I see just how much weight she has lost, the light shadowing across her chest, exposing her far too prominent collarbone, her eyes looking far too big for her face

She notices me staring and pulls her towel tightly round herself, she excuses herself to her bedroom to get some clothes. I pour her soup in a bowl and place it on table, along with a glass of orange juice and some paracetamol, knowing she will need after her lone drinking session at the quarry, my mind still picturing her shrinking frame.

Carla returns in one of my t-shirts and boxers I had left here, a small smile on her face, I can't help but return the smile, she's carrying her bath robe she pulls it on as she walks over to the stereo, music gently emitting from the speakers, a soft, soulful song starts playing, I can't quite place the tune playing, but it does nothing to calm my mood.

She spots the soup I made and looks from it to me, she sits and reaches for the orange juice, placing the paracetamol in her hand smiles "you didn't need to do this" she takes a sip of the Orange juice

"Yes I did" I smile back and sit down "Anyway, it didn't take a huge amount of effort to heat some soup up" I smirk, trying to add some humour to the conversation "You didn't have a huge selection to choose from"

I try to catch her eye but she refuses to look at me "When did you last have a decent meal" I ask, as I try and think when we last ate together, knowing she wouldn't bother unless I made sure she was taking care of herself

"Oh you know me "she laughs, avoiding the question "always need a good meal with my wine" she smirks at me, she reaches for her soup, knowing it will keep my quiet

"We can go shopping tomorrow, get some food in those cupboards" I look at her seriously, she just rolls her eyes and I'm relieved as food finally passes her lips. We sit in silence, apart from the low hum of music softly playing in the background, the sound of the rain gently hitting against the window. It doesn't take long for her to finish her soup, more colour returning to her cheeks, she takes her bowl to the kitchen and places it in the sink, returning to the sofa and places a kiss on my lips, she lays in my arms and I play with the hair that falls from its bun, her breathing slowing and I realise she has fallen asleep, not having the heart to move her I grab the throw and wrap it round her, I close my eyes and let the music send me off into a deep sleep, filled with images of a thin haunted woman, feet teetering far to close the edge of a cliff, long brown hair framing eyes pleading for my help

 _Are you afraid, afraid of the truth_

 _In the mirror staring back at you,_

 _The image is cracked but so is the view, here._

 _So crawl inside my head with me,_

 _I'll show you how it feels to be,_

 _To blame like me_


	3. Hurt Like Me

It's hot, too hot, I can't breath, I snap open my eyes, panicking as I realise the flat is swarming with thick black smoke quickly filling my lungs, I gasp for breathe, falling to my knees and concentrate on breathing. In, out, in, my head is spinning, I need to get out.

I can feel the fire spreading, the flames spitting and hissing at me, I steady myself as I stand, rushing for the door, I grab the handle, the metal burning at my touch, I manage to pull the door open, my vision blurs but I can make out figures amongst the smoke, I try to scream out for help, my throat is constricted, I fall to my knees once more, the figures glide towards me, there bodies are burnt and transfigured, flames twisting around there bodies, I hear them screaming out in pain, it's unbearable

* * *

"Carla, wake up! I shake her, her body twisting in agony, pain etched on her face. The blood curdling scream I woke to still ringing in my ears. She grabs me, clawing at my arms, gasping for breath.

"You need to calm down, look at me" I pull her face to look at mine "just breath" I whisper, staring into her eyes

"I'm ok" she chokes out, her breathing steadying, she pushes me away and I stop myself from reaching back out to her, pulling her in and keeping her safe from whatever demons she was fighting in that beautiful mind of hers. Unsure of what to do I stand and walk over to the kitchen, grabbing the kettle and filling it with water, we could both do with coffee after the events of the previous night

"Do you want to talk? " I offer as I pour water into the mugs, the smell of coffee already bringing my mind into focus. She shakes her head, of course she doesn't want to talk

"Stop pushing me away" I sigh as I pass her the freshly made coffee, taking a seat next to her

"it's what I'm good at, isn't it? " she laughs

"The problem is you think that no one cares about you, and you think you don't deserve to be cared about " I reply, taking a welcome mouthful of my drink

"You think nobody cares if you live or die anymore. And if you don't watch out one of these days you'll push yourself so far that you'll do something reckless and I don't want that to happen to you Carla" she shifts next me, clearly uncomfortable where the conversation is going

"You have people who care about you, and you just have to accept that because" I suddenly stop, not sure whether I should continue

"Because, I love you, and if anything happened to you in would kill me" I admit

"You love me? " she sounds disgusted, I instantly regret my admission. She's up on her feet now, her hands in her hair "you're more stupid than I thought" she adds "I told you, I'm damaged, I'm no good" she's practically shouting at me now. I stand and move towards her

"No " she screams at me, placing her hands in front of herself, I stop on my tracks "I think you should leave" she whispers, moving towards her front door and opening it, staring at me as I move towards her, I see her physically flinch as I'm near, she pushes me through the door, screaming at me to not come back and that she doesn't need me, my heart shattering into a million pieces

* * *

"All right, I'm coming" I shout, the knocking is loud and desperate, I fiddle with the locks and pull the door open, a broken Nick standing before me, I usher him inside, shutting the cold morning breeze behind me

"Is Carla ok" I ask, concerned at the look on Nicks face, he just shakes his head, placing his head in his hands and sighing, I rest my hand on his arm and gesture towards to back of the bar, shutting the door behind me quietly as we reach the back room

"Where was she last night?" I ask as nick takes a seat

"She went to a quarry" he sighs "With a bottle of vodka for company

I feel the colour drain from my face, my heart sinking, Nick noticing my reaction to the news

"She swore to me that it was just to clear her head" trying to convince himself more than me, I debate whether to tell him about her last suicide attempt, maybe I could get Carla to tell him? I see him looking at me, confusion on face as I sit in silence, thinking

"How is she now?" I ask

"Upset, she threw me out" Nick takes a deep breath "I told her I love her" I look up, shocked at his confession, though it's car to see he is devoted to her

"Nobody has cared about her the way you do for a long time Nick " I reach for his arm to comfort him "Don't give up on her"

"I never would" he replies in a heartbeat, a sad smile reaching his face "I better go home, I need to change before work" Nick stands up "let me know how she is if you see her?" he asks, I squeeze his arm, reassuring him I will

* * *

The anger is making my hands tremble. I clench them to get the shaking to stop, anger towards myself for letting someone get too close and anger at him for loving me, loving someone so damaged, so ruined. I push my head against the back of the door forcefully. I stand from the floor from where I've been since Nick left, my body is trembling, I feel weak

"Eat" I hear Nicks voice whispering in my conscience, I shake my head, forcing him from my mind. He's gone, I pushed him too far. The pain that radiates from my stomach wakes me from my thoughts, I laugh bitterly, knowing I deserve the pain, it's only a fraction of what I have caused to the families of those I killed in the fire, I grab the coffee that Nick made before be left, I take a huge glug, it's cold and makes me gag but the caffeine is welcome and soon eases my trembling, as I place the mug in the sink I hear banging at the door, anxiety filling me with dread

"Who is it?" I ask, forcefully, not showing my fear

"Michelle, let me in" she sounds worried, I sigh as I pull the door open, gesturing for her to come in, she pulls me in for a hug, tightly squeezing me tightly, the human contact making my body tighten.

"We need to talk" Michelle sighs


	4. Destruction

Thank you for all the lovely reviews. Updates are going to be slow over the couple of weeks. I'm waiting for my Internet to be reconnected,so I thought I'd try and upload a bigger chapter this time

* * *

As soon as Michelle entered Carla's apartment she knew something was wrong, the way the light from the blinds still drawn dimly lit the room, casting shadows upon the unpacked boxes, it was as if all life had died in the fire, leaving an eerie atmosphere in its wake of destruction. This was no longer her best friends home, and the woman who she currently held in her arms, was not her either. Michelle sighed once more and reluctantly moved from Carla, holding her at arms length in front of her, noticing the deep, heavy bags that lay under her eyes that no longer glimmered, her hair flat and losing its shine

"You look awful" I mutter, shutting my eyes briefly, unable to witness what she is doing to herself

"Thanks" Carla scoffs, making her way to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and reaching for the bottle of wine

"I don't think you should be drinking that" I tell her, disapproving, walking towards her, setting my bag down on the kitchen counter

"I don't think YOU should be telling me what to do, I'm not a child, Chelle" she snaps, venom dripping from her voice, she struggles with opening the bottle, her hands trembling, something I hadn't noticed until now

"Maybe if you stopped acting like am emotional wreck I wouldn't need to be here" I shout "Stop pushing everyone who wants to help you away" What the hell does it matter if my words upset her, when she's so obviously out of control?

Carla pauses for a moment, as if she's actually listening to me somewhat, though she gives no indication that she's heard anything I've had to say even though I distinctly saw a brief flash of anger at my words. So it's all an act. This calm disinterest. This deliberate avoidance of the subject at hand.

"Well maybe I'm done talking about this now!," she seethes, I reach out to my best friend , she steps away from me, like a feral animal cornered her mood goes from seemingly disinterested and unconcerned to an unrelated rage and fear in a matter of second, a moment later I am jumping back at the sound of breaking glass.

It's takes me a minute to realise what happened as I see shards of glass laying across the counter, the sound of wine dripping onto the kitchen tiles

It's only then that I realise, she didn't just drop the bottle of wine, She threw it,

Deliberately,

She smashed it.

My hearts fluttering in my chest. The look of rage I had seen is rapidly draining away, replaced by the look of concern as she holds her hand up as I see a flash of red.

Blood

She's bleeding

I grab her arm gently, running her hand under the tap in her kitchen, the water turning a crimson colour in the bottom of the sink, a flap of skin hangs slightly apart, the majority of the blood is coming from this wound, it looks quite deep. I grab a clean tea towel, wrapping it tightly around her hand, grabbing my phone from my bag and I usher her towards the sofa and sitting her down.

I quickly dial Nicks number, he answers on the second ring

"You need to get to Carla's, now" I try to say calmly, though my voice breaks slightly

* * *

"What's happened" I feel my stomach drop at Michelle words. I put my hand over the phone, telling Leanne I need to go as I grab my keys and run towards to the car "I'm on my way" I tell Michelle, throwing my phone on the seat next to me, pulling away as fast as possible towards Victoria court. I soon arrive, not caring to park up properly as I slam my car door behind me, I bump into someone on the way in, quickly apologising under my breath as I take the stairs, taking two steps as I practically run towards Carla's, the door already open for me as I reach her door.

I see Carla hunched over on the sofa, holding her arm across her chest, it's only as I walk round that I see the blood soaked towel wrapped around her hand, my breathing stops as I spin round to look at Michelle who is on the phone, she mouths to me "paramedics"

"Nick " the sudden panic in Carla's voice is unmistakable. I'm by her side in seconds, wrapping an arm around her waist

"What's wrong? Carla?" I ask as I try to keep calm, her skin is now a deathly white colour. This is not a response I would have expected for her, she's not phobic of blood, and has endured far worse physical injuries in the past. And whatever has come over her has come quickly.

"I feel funny. I feel..." I'm glad that I already have an arm supporting her as I feel her go limp, I support her body as I lay her down on the sofa just as paramedics cone rushing through the door. Michelle hand gently grips my arm, which I quickly wrap her around her as we watch as the paramedics check over a lifeless Carla

* * *

"Why do you need to do more checks, she only needed some stitches" I'm pacing back and forth now, my hand running through my hair

"We needed to run some checks on your girlfriend, Mr Tilsley, her blood pressure was quite low" The nurse ushers me towards a private room "The doctors would also like a psych nurse to talk to her too" she adds

"You think she did this purposely? " I laugh. The nurse purses her lips and motions me along corridors, something about hospitals unnerved me, I had spent enough time string at the white walls after the car accident, we stop outside a private room

"Something on her hospital notes alerted us, it's just procedure" she stops outside a private room

"What do you mean, something on her notes? " I ask, thoughts of Carla on the edge of a cliff flashing through my mind once more. Did she a history of this before?

"You'll have to talk to Mrs Connor about that I'm afraid" She says quietly as she opens the door, ushering me inside. Carla is sitting on the edge of the bed, her back facing away from the door, she turns her head briefly to look at me as I enter, her eyes are wide and she suddenly looks profoundly younger. Suddenly I feel a surge of protectiveness.

"Can I give you a hug? "I ask, not sure on where we stand after she threw me out after my admission. I need to hold her close, more for my sake than hers. She nods slowly and I rush towards her, pulling her into my chest, resting my hand on the small of her back, slowly rubbing in a circular motion.

"Carla" I clear my throat. Decide to bite the bullet. Ask the hard questions. "Is there something you need to tell me?"

She places and hand on my chest pushing me gently away but not removing her hand, her fingers grip lightly at my shirt, holding me close. Her mouth opens, and then closes and she shakes get head, shutting her eyes tight

"No" she whispers "I'm fine"

I grapple with what to say. With how to say 'no, you are not fine, you are assuredly not fine'. without making her go on the defensive. Most of all not wanting her walls to come up. Not now. Not when something is so wrong that every cell in my body is screaming with the weight of it. The truth of it.

"Carla, why do you need to talk to someone? The nurse told me there was something I your notes" I stop. Her eyes are glistening and her mouth is contorted into something barely holding back a scream. She stays completely silent. I realise she looks embarrassed, fear written all over her face

"The other night, at the quarry, you've had those thoughts before? Maybe even acted on them And if it's true, I want nothing more for me to be wrong here, please know that, but if it's true it explains a lot. About you. It makes sense, why you push everyone away"

"it makes sense, does it, Nicolas" She snaps. "How would something like that explain me? "Go on, tell me! " She is practically screaming at me now as if I've insulted her, but as I look at her face

No. The look of horror in her eyes, It's true. I took a chance, a shot in the dark and got it in one. I've never felt less pleased with myself for being right.

"So, how does a suicide attempt define me as a person " She asks defensively. She's standing away from me now, putting space between us

"I never said it defined you, or could define you " I feel hurt, my throat is dry, my heart pounding

"You said it makes sense" She whispers. I look up at her, she actually looks like I've betrayed her. I walk towards her but she puts her hands up once more, like she did in her flat. I stop, sighing as I run my hand through my hair

"Because it does make sense. You're so intent on destroying yourself, you don't take care of your body, you drink far too much and your eating" I stop making sure she's still listening

"Your eating is atrocious. You don't care what you do to yourself, whatever the consequences, need I continue?" I look over at her, knowing I've said far too much, more than I had intended and more than I know she can handle. She facing away from me, avoiding what she doesn't want to face

* * *

"You're right" I whisper "It makes sense" I turn to look at him "I told you I was damaged, ruined"

Nick shakes his head a walks towards me, with his arms open which I gratefully accept as he pulls me in for a hug. I bury my face in his chest, inhaling his scent, the smell makes me feel safe

"After Frank attacked me I was in a bad place" I sigh "He had broken me, taken away a part of me that I could never get back and to make it worse I knew nobody believed me" I look up at him, his face gently encouraging me to continue "I couldn't sleep, so the doctor gave me some sleeping pills, the rest you can guess " I breath, a weight feeling like it had been lifted from my shoulders

"You could have told me" he whispers, placing soft kisses into my hair

"Its a part of my life I want to forget, I never thought I'd have moments like that again" I admit

"The quarry? Nick asks, my body tenses in his arms "I take that as a yes" he breaths

"Nick " I reply uncomfortably, suddenly irritated by my discomfort. I know he's looking for me to say something to reassure him but I don't want to pretend that everything is okay when we both know that's really not true

"Carla" he whispers, placing his forehead to mine. The doctor entering the room breaks our moment, Nick reluctantly pulling away from me and I find myself instantly missing his intimate presence.

"We have your results Mrs Connor" the doctor looks over at Nick "Its OK, this is my boyfriend " I smile

"Your bloods show low levels of iron and potassium, how are your eating habits? " he looks at me, I hear nick shuffle uncomfortably "I've been under a lot of stress recently, I'm sure my appetite will pick up soon" the doctor nods as he writes his notes "Well I'll write you a prescription for some supplements, but you must tell your GP if your appetite doesn't improve soon" he adds "I'll leave it with your discharge notes"

"I can go?" I ask hopefully

"The nurse is satisfied that your injury wasn't intentional, so yes, you can go" he smiles "Just be careful in future"

Nick walks over to me as the doctor leaves. "I don't know anything about what it's like to be hurt that way, and to feel like how you must have felt. How you feel." He admits "I just don't want you to think that you have to hide this from me"

"I didn't want to hurt you" I whisper, grabbing his hand "I'm so sorry, Nick"

Hopefully my eyes say more than my voice ever can.


	5. Progress

_I'm so sorry that it's been so long since I posted a new chapter. My life has been ridiculously crazy and I've had the flu. I started losing focus with the story but found my muse again. I've actually written half of the next chapter too, so hoping to post it within the next couple of days._

* * *

It took Nick a moment after waking up to remember why he wasn't supposed to be alone bed, abed which wasn't his. Something was missing; someone was missing.

 _Carla_

The events of the previous day came rushing back into Nicks mind, he had to face the facts, his girlfriend was losing control. The drinking he could cope with, the gambling he could just about grasp, but now she was gambling with more than just money, she was putting her life in danger.

It was quiet, disturbingly quiet. The thought of what that might mean forced Nick out of bed. He found Carla on the sofa, coffee in hand, legs drawn up to her chest, it took him a while before he managed to connect this sight in front of him with the images from yesterday. It was hard, no, it was impossible for him to see it, even now when he knew. Rather than ease his guilt, the insight added to his concern.

"Carla" he whispered, taking care not to make her jump, before placing a hand on her shoulder. She placed her hand over his and looked up at him, her eyes meeting his as she smiled.

"Couldn't sleep" she sighed, holding up her now empty mug

"Talk?" Nick asks as he takes her mug, making a fresh coffee for them both

"Don't you have to go home, get ready for work? Carla asks, shifting position so she's now sitting up straight

"Uh, I thought I'd take the day off, you know, after yesterday... " He trails off, trying to catch her eye

"I told you, I'm fine" Carla snaps, standing up

"I'm not going to pretend that yesterday didn't happen." Nick sighs

"I'm not asking you to do that."

"Yes, you are," Nick pauses and takes a deep breath to calm down; nothing was to be gained by getting angry. Nothing whatsoever. Not like all that much would be gained by reasoning either, Carla was beyond reasoning with

"Stop being so dramatic Nicolas" Carla huffed

"You want me to act like nothing is wrong after what you told me? Because that's pretending it didn't happen. You decided to tell me because something has changed and you're scared" Nick moves from the kitchen and towards Carla

"If anything happened to you, I don't know what I would do" He whispers

"stop staring at me," Carla muttered, "I'm not going to wither away in front of your eyes."

Nick raises an eyebrow, the conversation about Carla's eating habits could wait, for now. He held his arms open and let Carla fall into his arms as he always did when she couldn't talk anymore.

"I'm not really okay," Carla whispers, "I don't think I'm even close."

"I know; I can see that." I rest my cheek on top of her head. Holding her closer

And he really could. When Carla let guard down it was obvious; the exhaustion from the sleepless nights, the fear and the insecurity, even the shame. The shame was the worst part to see, but Nick was so grateful that Carla let him in behind the façade. He hoped, he really hoped, that Carla wouldn't regret that she allowed him to see this part, she just looked so vulnerable, she had allowed someone else be strong for her for a moment. Nick promised himself to always be strong when Carla didn't have the strength to be.

"Remember, you're not alone in this"

Nick let Carla go to be able to look into her eyes. The vulnerability was still there, but the mask of control and distance slowly came back on her face again. Nick allowed it to happen and let his hands rest on Carla's waist until she moved away

"Promise me, if you ever get those thoughts again, you'll talk to me" Nick grabs Carla's hand softly kissing her knuckles.

"I'll try" She whispers. And she means it. She needed to find some focus in her life, and not the gambling or the drinking

"Dinner? Tonight. I'll bring something home from work" Nick pulls Carla from her thoughts.

"I thought you wanted to babysit me " Carla smirked, making Nick laugh

"As much as the thought of babysitting you entertains me, you're right. I need to go in today. There's a huge order coming in and Leanne will have my neck if I leave her to do it alone again" he sighs.

"Its fine, anyway, I should probably show my face in work. Make sure the girls aren't giving Aiden a hard time" she laughs at the thought.

"Work is good, it's progress " Nick smiles.

"Progress " Carla replies, returning the smile. She reaches up to kiss him "Now go home. Some of us have a job to get to" she teases

"Alright, alright " Nick laughs, holding up his hands up, "promise me you'll have breakfast before you go in though" he adds seriously, making Carla roll her eyes

"Yes, sir" she laughs after him as he heads back towards her bedroom, returning a few moments later wearing last night's clothes

"I mean it" he says as he pulls her towards himself, leaning down and kissing her softly "You're gotten awfully thin" he whispers, a hint of sadness to his voice.

"Go to work Nicolas" She sighs, kissing him back before closing the door behind him.

Progress. He was right. She needed to make progress. She walked towards her bedroom and pulled out her running shoes, maybe she could join a gym again, she needed the focus and she used to enjoy working out.

What harm could it do


	6. Control

It was a control thing. It always had been for Carla. The numbness that comes at the bottom of a bottle. The thrill of the chase as you gamble away your money.

It hasn't always been like this. Once she was in control of a business, a marriage. Slowly people had come into her life and each time they took away a piece of her control.

Paul, Tony, Peter, Frank

They had each taken something. Her trust, her ability to truly love, her self confidence. Her body

She hit the buttons on the treadmill, her pace quickening. She keeps going until her lungs burning, legs aching, vision blurring. She hits another button bringing herself to a stop. Carla takes a few moments to slowly breathe.

"Nice going" Carla snaps her head up, a young blonde woman with a sickening happy smile plastered to her face is standing in front of her

"Thanks" Carla manages to huff, grabbing her water and taking a huge gulp.

"I'm Katie, Is this your first time here? " She holds her hand out for Carla to shake

"Carla" she mumbles, begrudgingly taking her hand

"These machines are top of the range, they tell you everything, miles you've ran, minutes, calories burnt"

"Oh that stuff doesn't bother me" Carla laughs, as she takes smaller sips of her water. Running was always a way of helping her release her anger, a way to unwind

"Look, you ran for 63 minutes, at quite a fast pace, burning nearly 800 calories" Katie reads the figures flashing across the screen, she sounds impressed

"Ah, I'm sure I'll drink those calories in red wine later" Carla smiles, making Katie laugh

"You would be surprised at the calories hidden in alcohol, I lost so much weight when I quit drinking. The sugars in it was creeping up on me, especially around the 'love handles'" Carla rolls her eyes to herself, only she would meet the health nut

"Like I said, that stuff doesn't bother me, boyfriend owns a bar" Carla laughs to herself, the thought of Nick bringing a small smile you her face

"Talking of which, I should go home. He's promised dinner tonight"

"Hopefully we'll see you again soon" Katie flashes that smile once more. Carla nods as she gathers her belongings, giving her a small wave as she enters the changing rooms.

Lately the guilt and self-hatred kept piling up and up on her shoulders until she felt empty. So she started using the alcohol more to fill the emptiness. Carla caught a glimpse of her figure in the full length mirror, whilst she knew she had lost weight recently she also noticed those areas where maybe the alcohol had been creeping up on her, maybe Katie was right, Carla mused before continuing to get changed, she still needed to go into work.

"Oh look who decided to grace us with her presence " Aiden teased. Carla placed he bag on her desk, pursing her lips and flicking her freshly washed hair over her shoulder

"I am the boss ain't I? Came to check you were coping"

"Come to check we haven't burnt the place to the ground more like" Aiden instantly regretted the words that came out of his mouth, the look on Carla's face was that of pain and betrayal. "Car' I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking "

"Its fine, forget it" she whispers "I'll take this paperwork home" she gathers the papers on her desk.

Fire, Maddie, Kal, death

She couldn't let her mind wander in that direction

Breath.

In.

Out.

Control

"I'll be back during the week" she snaps, turning on her heel and leaving underworld, the whispers of her work force in her ear.

Carla couldn't focus on the work she bought home. The facts and figures blurring into one. She sighed at put them to one side before checking the time, 5.36pm. Nick would be home at 7pm.

Sighing she stood up and made her way to the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of red wine and sitting back down on the sofa. Katie's words suddenly ringing in her ear as she took a sip from her drink and grabbed her laptop from the coffee table and opening up the search engine

Calories in red wine

Carla tapped the side of the laptop in annoyance as she waited for the page to load

125 calories in one serving

570 calories in 1 bottle

Wow. And she could easily drink a bottle or two a night, she was drinking over half of her daily calorie intake. Carla laughed bitterly to herself before clicking on further links, Katie was right, she was amazed at just how many calories were hidden in alcohol, maybe it was time she cut down on just how much she put away each night. She soon found herself on a website that told you the calorie content for nearly any drink or food, she quickly booked marked the page as she heard the key in the door, Nick was back early. She stood and took her empty glass back to the kitchen, pouring the rest of the contents of the wine down the sink

125 calories in 1 glass

She poured over 400 calories down the sink. She laughed to herself

"Good day? I see you've started on the wine already" Nick laughed as he walked over to Carla, wrapping his free arm around her waist and kissing the back of head "I have dinner, I hope you're hungry "

Carla nodded. She hadn't eaten all day

125 calories

The number kept running through her mind

"Starving" she smiled. Turning to face Nick and gently kissing him the lips "What was today's special " She teased, poking her younger slightly through her teeth, making him chuckle at her response

"Pasta. With a pesto sauce I think. And I managed to sneak out some cheesecake for afters" he flashed Carla a smile as he grabbed two plates from the cupboard and dishing up the still warm food

"I have wine too" he held up a bottle of her favourite wine

125

"I'm OK, still need to email Aiden over some figures " She points at the discarded paperwork

"Well, I never thought I'd see the day Carla Connor would turn down a drink, we could start our own bottle bank with your weekly supply " Nick laughs. His words causing an unfamiliar feeling in Carla's stomach.

570 calories in a bottle

"Earth to Carla" Nick waves a plate of food under Carla's nose

"Sorry " She mutters, taking the plate from his hand.

One bottle a night,

Nearly 4000 calories in alcohol a week

"Eat" Nick orders, but softly, his voice full of love and care. Carla smiles as she brings her fork to her mouth, relishing the burst of flavour that hits her tongue.

"Its nice to see you eat" Nick smiles

Carla lay with her head on Nicks chest, listening to the soft, regular beat of his heart, Nick gently stroking the small of Carla's back, both content in the bubble they had created for themselves, the bubble was full of understanding and attempts to make amends. There were no solutions in the bubble, but there were first steps; first steps that needed to be followed later on with more steps, outside the bubble.

"Bed?" Nick asks, sleep lacing his voice

"I just need to email those figures over to Aiden, then I'll be in" Carla yawned as she stretched, reaching for the laptop and quickly opening up her emails, quickly typing up the last of the figures and pressing send. As she started closing to shut the laptop down the last website popped up on her screen, she inputted the food they had eaten for dinner

Nearly 1000 calories

The thought gave Carla an easy feeling in her stomach, she quickly slammed down the screen to the laptop.

Why is it bothering her so much, she hadn't never given things like this a thought before. Sighing she stood up and walked towards the bedroom. Thoughts of food and calories on her mind

She didn't have a problem

Did she?


	7. Change

Thank you for a the lovely reviews. This is more of a filler chapter as I try and set the scene. Already started on the next chapter :)

* * *

 _Six weeks_

It had been six weeks since Carla's behaviour had changed. In the beginning Nick had welcomed it. Carla's dependency on alcohol had subsided, In fact he rarely saw her with her usual glass of red in her hand, her hip holding up the side of the bar.

Then things changed

And he did not embrace _this_ change

Maybe he should've said something when she started suggesting dates with physical activities thrust onto them, like walking through a park over nights out in the bistro, or even nights at pub. He figured she wanted to stay away from the temptation of alcohol, Nick could respect that. Walking together could be romantic too, and they were discovering new places together, which he found romantic

Maybe Nick should have noticed when he started to find the food he bought home from work in the bin. He would always make sure to bring home things that he knew she liked. And Carla would always accept it with a cheeky smile. Nick became worried. The brunette and had never turned them down, at least that he knew of. But again, he figured that this was her way of being healthy.

Nick should've said something when he noticed her face getting even thinner, It wasn't directly obvious, but her cheeks were starting to sallow and her round eyes looked slightly bigger. While Carla had a temper before, she had now started snapping at people more often. The day of the broken wine glass replaying on his mind.

Maybe he should've noticed any of the signs. Like the fact that she now wore about four layers of clothing daily. Or the fact that she forgot to paint her nails one day and they were slightly blue. Or the fact she was sneaking out of the flat early in the morning , only now he wished it was to the casino, instead of the dreaded Gym.

Maybe he should've noticed any of the many signs. But Nick refused to believe that someone so beautiful could think herself so ugly. He refused to believe that she would torture herself like this. And he refused to believe that it was as bad as all of the signs pointed to

* * *

"You know you're beautiful, don't you? " Carla jumped at the sound of Nick's voice, but didn't turn away from the mirror in front of which she was getting dressed.

"What's that got to do with anything " She laughed, but in the mirror Nick could see how her eyes were directed at the floor. Walking over to Carla he wrapped both arms round her waist, causing Carla to move from his embrace

"Are you ok?" He asks, feeling rejected

"Yes"

Nick wanted to believe her, so he did. It was easier and he felt she needed to trust her

"If you wouldn't be, or if it would change, would you tell me?" He reached for her hand, she takes it instantly, squeezing gently.

There wasn't much more he could do, not really, and trust was a good thing. Most of the time.

Did he actually trust Carla tell him if this became worse?

Honestly?

No

He kisses the back of her hand before releasing it. Leaving her bedroom. Leaving Carla to get ready to go to work

Carla knew what she was doing was wrong, it didn't ease her guilt, but it did make her feel a little more in control, it made her almost happy, having a goal to look forward to reaching every day.

Carla studied herself in the mirror in her room, adjusting her skirt and plastering on a picture perfect smile. She then sighed, sitting on her bed, head in her hands. What was she going to do?

It was nothing in the beginning, really. Carla didn't think anything of it. She was just watching what she was eating, trying to become more healthy, quit the drinking, trying to ease Nicks worry.

Then it morphed into something else, something new. Carla became fascinated with the way her weight dips lower each time she hits the scales. With each passing week it escalated and now she is down to counting every single miniscule calorie she puts in her mouth. It's madness, but it feels good. Something else to focus on other than the guilt of the fire.

She is in control.

At least, that's what she tells herself


	8. Haunted

Nick panted heavily, eyes tightly closed and his entire body covered in cold sweat. It had been months since his last nightmare, he had almost forgotten the panic and the anxiety that came with it; and the relief when reality seeped back and he realised he safe in bed, a warm, soft hand on his arm

"Thank you," he mumbled, his hand found Carla's own and let the body heat speed up the process of finding his way back to reality as Carla squeezed his hand

Carla had turned on the bedside lamp at some point and Nick had to blink and rub his eyes before he was able to focus on her where she was sat up next to him in the bed. With a sigh Carla rested her forehead against his

"Don't scare me like that again " She murmured

"Some of the things you do scare me, so I'd say we're even " Nick smiles, reaching up and stroking Carla's face

"Can I get you anything? Some tea?" She whispers

"Tea would be nice" He replied, pushing himself up so he was now sitting up, running a hand through his hair as he yawned

"I'll bring it back to bed" Carla smiled before quietly leaving the room, returning a few moments later with two steaming mugs, setting them down on the bedside cabinet, along with a packet of biscuits Nick had insisted on filling her cupboards with one afternoon after visiting her at work, finding her on a break with Aiden, the pair with a cup of coffee in one hand and the biscuits in the other. She must admit they helped when she felt her sugar levels dipping

"Biscuits too? Maybe I should have nightmares more often" Nick joked, reaching or his mug of tea and taking the first biscuit from the packet, offering it to Carla, who reluctantly accepted, giving Nick a small smile

"The nightmare... " Carla mumbled. Nick nodded

"The crash, sometimes I get flash backs " he sighed. Carla reached for his hand squeezing gently. She understood what it was like when your demons crept into your subconscious

"We're a right pair, aren't we" she smiled softly, reassuring him that she understood

"Its still early, we could go get breakfast before work" Nick suggests, watching as Carla physically stiffens

"Even if it's just Roy's" he pleads. Carla just nods, she's too tired to fight him on this one.

* * *

"Finish your food." Carla didn't look up from her picked apart fry up

"I'm not five, Nick You don't exactly need to tell me to finish my vegetables." Her voice was falsely calm, barely covering her sudden panic at having been discovered

"I'm not saying finish your vegetables, that's all you have finished "Nick sighs. Carla looked closer at the contents of her plate to discover that he was in fact right. Her egg was mush, mixed with the beans and completely destroyed bits of sausage which had been painstakingly tearing apart

"I'm not..." Carla mumbled

"Hungry, yeah, I've heard that a lot recently. Or is it you're not feeling well, or you're not up to eating this early " he snapped

"I'm not fighting with you " She snapped back, standing quickly and pushing her discarded plate towards Nick and rushing out if the café

* * *

Carla sat with her back to the bathroom door of her apartment, knees drawn up to her chest. It was a vulnerable position, but she was safe at the moment, safe from everything but the thoughts in her own head

She took a deep breath and readjusted her sitting position on the floor, trying to get comfortable. She hadn't really noticed how much weight she had lost until then, but the fact that she couldn't even sit comfortably on the floor was a pretty big indicator

 _Not enough. Never enough_

A thought flashes through her mind, the voice is harsh and judgemental

She quickly pushes the thought to the back of her mind, shaking as she pulls herself up so she's standing in front of the mirror

 _Cracked and messily glued back together, Imperfect ridges and pale fragility. Damaged_

Another sob wracks her body, an unsettling feeling in her stomach, she can feel the half digested breakfast churning away, feeling like a lead weight

She's thankful that she's standing near the toilet as another sob escapes her, and an unexpected burning sensation makes its way up through her throat, causing her to gag a few times, but nothing coming up.

It was hard to make yourself throw up, Carla found out. There was nothing wrong with the gag reflex, but keeping the fingers down there to continue to trigger it until it resulted in something else than dry retching was something else entirely

Finally she stuck her finger down her throat far enough that she got the result she wanted, the repeated retching and her stomach content spilled over. Her hand, obviously, followed and most of the sick ended up hitting it and then drip through her fingers down the toilet. Gasping for air Carla spitted repeatedly and flushed the toilet with her clean hand before falling back against the wall

Feeling a bit faint, she got on her feet and walked over to the sink. The bathroom mirror told her that she had grown rather pale beneath the flustered cheeks and the cold sweat had given her a very unattractive glowing

Grabbing the toothbrush she vigorously cleaned her teeth, removing any trace of the previous activities.

As she pulled the bathroom door open she was faced with her worse fears. Nick casually leaning against the wall beside the bathroom, arms crossed and that look on his face

"Carla" he breathed, calmly

He had heard

He knew


	9. Falling Apart

For Elise May. Your review on my last chapter brightened up a very early start a work day :)

Enjoy

* * *

Nick stepped away from the wall and toward Carla, who, herself now had her back to a wall. She tightly shut her eyes and flinched, making Nick stop in his tracks, he softly stroked the back of her face with his knuckles

"Carla, I'm not him. Open your eyes " he whispered. She slowly opened her eyes, but still held herself hunched up, trying to make herself as small as possible

"Please, don't tell me you were doing what I think... " Nick sighed

"I wasn't feeling well" she replied which wasn't a complete lie. She just needed a little help, She still wasn't completely sure why she had done it in the first place

"Carla, please" Nick begs. He can't live like this anymore

"I needed to be sick, it was going to come up anyway, I just... " She trails off, closing her eyes as she tries to calm her breathing down

"I feel funny. I feel.. " her voice contains a keening, needful sort of plea

Her breathing is rapid and harsh, she reaches out and grabs Nicks arm as he leads her to sit down

"Nick, I can't breathe" She gasps

"Yes, you can. Just take deep breaths" Nick inhales and exhaled, encouraging Carla to copy him

Carla's head now shakes back and forth in rapid succession.

"C.. Cant" She chokes out

"Focus Carla" Nick almost shouts, finally gaining her attention enough to get her to breath properly. After a few minutes the shaking starts to reduce and her gasping gulps of air diminishes

"I'm going to get you some water" Nick hesitates to leave her side before rushing over to the kitchen, returning a few seconds later and handing Carla a glass

"Drink, slowly" he orders, receiving a glare from Carla. Nick glares back at her as he returns to the kitchen and placing a slice of bread in the toaster, panic written on Carla's face

"Don't even start Carla" he sighed, reaching for the butter and a knife

"I need to go to work" Carla pushes herself up from the sofa, causing Nick to rush over

"I don't think so"

"You can't stop me " She snaps

"Why can't you see that I'm trying to help? " Nick is almost shouting

"I never asked for your help" she snapped "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to work"

"You've got sick on your top," Nick said, his voice almost breaking, along with his heart "Please take it off"

Carla did nothing, she was so still that for a moment that Nick thought that she had stopped breathing. He felt so helpless that he actually wanted to throw up too. Then he wanted to hit something

"I know you're scared. That part I get, I'm scared too," Nick whispered and let his hand slide down Carla's arm to take her hand instead. "But I'm right here, Carla, right here, and I'm not going anywhere. No matter what you say or how much you push me away."

Carla hesitated and Nick waited, not really sure if he would let her leave or continue to force her to stay if she tried to walk away again. He didn't have to find out because instead of fleeing, Carla squeezed his hand. Nick placed himself right in front of her and took her other hand as well.

"I'm right here," Nick promised, squeezing both of her hands to prove it. "Talk to me."

Carla shook her head and refused to look at Nick

"Damn it, Carla, don't do this," Nick pleaded. "Don't shut me out."

"I can't," She sighed

"Why?"

"Because you care," Carla whispered so quietly that Nick almost didn't hear her "and I… I don't want to make you sad."

That's too late," he whispered, refusing to let go when Carla wanted to back away. "I'm so, so sad to see you do this. It hurts, Carla, because I love you."

Carla shook her head, tears filling her eyes

"Yes, Carla. I love you, let me help you" He pleaded

"The toast is burning " Carla replied, her voice almost monotone and flat as she walked over to the kitchen, grabbing the toast and placing it on a plate. She looked stunned and utterly helpless; Nick's entire body ached when he saw it, but at least it became very clear to him what he should do. He walked up to Carla and took the plate. For a moment Carla didn't want to let go, but when she finally did, she closed her eyes and took a step back.

"Go," Nick said with a sigh

Carla smiled weakly and retreated to the bedroom, emerging a few moments later in fresh clothing.

"Thank you" she muttered as she reached for the front door

"Don't " Nick snapped. A huge pressure filling his chest, making every breath a struggle. This wasn't just killing Carla, he realised. This was killing him too

* * *

"You're late " Aiden barked as Carla entered the office to underworld

"You do realise I'm still the boss, right? " She snapped. Aiden looked over at Carla, thinking of a witty come back when he saw the sight before him

"God, Carla, you look like hell"

"You look lovely and all" Carla sighed

"If you're not feeling well.. " Aiden started to reply before Carla cut him off

"I'm fine, get me a coffee " She looked up "Please, oh and no sugar, black " She muttered as she rubbed her forehead, she could feel a headache starting

* * *

"Earth to Nick " Leanne waved her hand in front of his face

"Sorry" He muttered. His mind was in other places, or more specifically, on another person

"Let me guess, Carla? She rolled her eyes at the mention of the other woman's name

"Don't" Nick warned, before sighing "I know you hate her, but I'm worried about her"

"Why, what's she done now? " Leanne scoffed. Receiving yet another disapproving look from her ex husband.

"If you're that worried go find her. I'll be OK here" she offered, as a way of an apology. Nick shook his head in response, he couldn't face Carla right now, still angry at her. He needed to remind himself that it wasn't her he hated, it was all the issues they had been facing these past few weeks. He was afraid the day would come when he didn't bother correcting his thoughts. And he was afraid that day would come soon

"Here" Leanne passed him a glass, Nick looked down and realised it was whiskey, which he gladly accepted

"How bad is she? "Leanne sighed, hardly believing she actually cared. Nick stared at her, feeling as startled as he looked. To distance himself from the question

"I can't...she would never forgive me, especially if I told you.. " he said with a forced smile

"Then, how are you?" She replied

It's not, I'm fine," Nick said, undermining his own words by looking away from her.

"You don't have to be strong in front of me, you know."

"I'm fine," he managed to say again after a deep breath, sounding just a bit more secure this time.

"I've noticed, you know" Leanne adds "How different she is. How she's acting, how she looks... " Leanne trails off. Nick wondered who else bad noticed, and why nobody else had stepped in to help. He knew it was only adding to Carla's already damaged perception of herself.

He just wished Carla had the strength to fight some of the days so that he could take a break. No, that wasn't fair. Carla probably fought twice the battle he did. Nick had no right to complain.

No right to be tired.

No right to give in, to give up.

He just had to be strong.


	10. Disorder

She feels guilty for unleashing this on him. It wasn't her intention. Honestly, and she's so, so grateful to him. She is. But no matter how hard he tries to shoulder all that weight for her, he can't. And she doesn't want him to. She is the only one who can bear it.

The only one who should.

She can share a little here and there but ultimately the load is her own.

And that's not something that he,

that anyone can understand, not really.

Carla sighed, the day was painfully dragging along, though she was dreading going home and facing Nick. She knew he wasn't going to let things stay as they were, he would undoubtedly want to talk,

And she wasn't ready

Carla put her head in her hands, she didn't know what she was doing anymore. She knew she was going to end up pushing Nick too far and he would walk,

no run,

As far as could away from her and her problems

Sighing she pushed her chair away from her desk, grabbing her bag and telling Aiden she was going home. She needed to clear her head

* * *

"Carla? " Michelle noticed her friend emerging from underworld, hardly recognising the woman standing in front of her

"Oh, Hi 'Chelle" Carla smiled nervously

"Are you ok? " Michelle could hardly keep her voice from cracking. Carla looked awful, and she had seen her at her worst, or so she thought

"Never better" Carla laughed bitterly. Michelle grabbed her softly by the arm, nodding her head towards the Rovers "I'm not taking no as an answer"

Carla rolled her eyes as she allowed her best friend to drag her along

"Is it cold in here?" Carla muttered as she sat at the table in the back room of the pub. The hard chair instantly uncomfortable

"No." Michelle looked up with a poorly concealed frown; Carla was still wrapped in her coat

"It's freezing," She replied and pulled her coat tighter around herself

"Maybe if you weren't a bag a bones... " Michelle muttered under breath as she entered the kitchen, returning with a bottle of red and two glasses, placing them on the table

"I'm... " Carla started to talk before Michelle cut her off

"One glass won't kill you" She rolled her eyes, pouring them both a glass

"Now, talk" Michelle ordered

* * *

Nothing tasted good anymore. Every bite seemed to grow in his mouth and made him nauseous. He never realised that he would feel guilty every time he enjoyed a meal and that he'd end up loathing the human need for food. Slamming his fork down he pushed away the plate in front of him across the table.

Nick placed his head in his hands, pulling at his hair in frustration. Standing up he threw away the food with a grimace; he couldn't continue like this, he had to stop. It didn't help anyone if he wasn't eating properly either

He never imagined that food would become such a huge problem in his life

He was torn from his thoughts by his phone alerting him to a text message, grabbing it quickly, just encase it was Carla

 ** _Michelle_**

Nick frowned as he opened the message

 _Can you come over, it's about Carla_

His heart was in his throat as he grabbed his keys and pulled the door to his apartment open, letting it slam shut behind him

"Michelle, what's wrong? " Nick managed to choke put as she lead him through to the back, only for him to find his girlfriend fast asleep on the sofa

"Is she..? " Nick muttered

"Drunk? Yes" Michelle sighed as she rubbed her forehead

"But she hasn't been drinking recently " Nick replied in confusion, walking over to Carla and pushing a strand of hair from her face

"I thought she would be OK, just a quick drink and a chat" Michelle looked down at her feet, blaming herself "What's happening to her Nick? " Tears filling her eyes. Nick placed a hand on her shoulder, pulling her in for a hug

"I don't know" He admitted "She's out on control"

"She's so thin" Tears now freely falling down Michelle soft cheeks

"I caught her being sick this morning " Nick blurted out, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulder at his admission. Michelle froze, shaking her head

"You mean...on purpose? Like... Like... An eating disorder? " Michelle stepped away, staring down at her best friend. How had she not noticed, it was like Steve all over again. Why was she so blind to not notice those she loved silently suffering

 _Eating disorder_

Nicks mind was spinning, he had already admitted it to himself, but hearing the words come from the mouth of another person hit him straight in the stomach

He was out of his depth

"What are we going to do? Michelle broke the silence

Nick shrugged, but said nothing. Well, the question was mostly rhetorical. If there were any easy solutions, this problem wouldn't exist.

"Nick? " Both heads snapped round at the sound of Carla's voice. Carla tried to push herself up, Nick rushing over to help her, placing an arm under hers, supporting her as she sat up

"Come on, let's get you home" He sighed. Carla resting her head against his shoulder, allowing Nick to pull her up to a standing position

"I'm going to carry you, ok? Nick reassured Carla before lifting her into his arms

"I'll help you" Michelle offered, rushing towards the door

"Phone me tomorrow? " She asked. Stroking Carla's face. Nick nodding as Michelle held the car door open, allowing Nick to secure Carla in the back seat, watching as the only man who could save her best friend drove away

* * *

Nick somehow managed to lead a very drunk Carla back up to her flat, and as soon as he got her through the door once again lifted her into his arms, carrying her towards her bedroom and placing her on the bed

"What am I going to do? Nick sighed, stroking her hair

" M'sorry" Carla muttered

"No, don't say sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about " Nicks heart breaking

"Told you, I'm no good "

"If only you could see how much good you have in you, then maybe we wouldn't be in this state" Nick sighed

"Feel sick" She replied, groaning as she placed a hand on her stomach

"Shall I take you to the bathroom? " Nick stood quickly, once again supporting Carla as she stood up, rushing towards the bathroom Nick following closely behind, stopping at the bathroom door as he once again had to listen to his girlfriend throwing up.

With a deep sigh, Nick sat down on the floor and pulled Carla into his arms. Her head fell down on Nicks chest and to his surprise, Carla began to cry. A desperate and inconsolable cry

"I'm here" he whispered, "I'm here, You're not alone. I've got you. It's okay" He repeated, over and over again. Hoping that Carla would take in his words. Nick lost concept of time and couldn't possible say how long they sat there, but when Carla's crying past in to trembling sobs, every part of Nick's body hurt

"Carla"

Mm?"

"We should try to get up." He whispered, Carla nodded and pushed away from Nick, obviously being just as stiff after sitting on the floor. Leaning against the sink for support

"Have you eaten since this morning... " Nick muttered. Carla shaking her head. Nick sighed , it was a problem that could wait for tomorrow. He led Carla into the bedroom, passing her one of his t-shirts before leaving the bedroom, returning with a glass of water and two paracetamol. He watched as she removed her own top, only now truly seeing the damage she was inflicting upon herself, the way her collarbone jutted out, like it was attempting to break through her skin. And her ribs...

 _He could count her ribs_

He closed his eyes as she undressed further, unable to take any more. He felt a pair of an arms snake around his waist, his only response was to carefully put his arm around Carla and hug her lightly. It took a moment for him to realise that Carla was comforting him all of a sudden. That was just…wrong, it was supposed to be the other way around, but he did nothing to stop it because he needed it

"You should try and get some sleep" He suggested, Carla nodded; Nick took a deep breath, trying, unsuccessfully, to let everything go

"Lay with me? " Carla whispered.

* * *

After half an hour in darkness and silence Nick felt Carla's breathing pattern change, Nick was grateful Carla felt safe enough in his arms to sleep.

Nick spent an hour counting Carla's heartbeats before gently removed her from his arms and made his way out the bedroom, leaving the door slightly open so he could listen in on her

He pulled the laptop out and sat on the sofa, opening up the search bar and typing in:

 _Eating disorders_

It was going to be a long night


	11. Salvation

Thank you so much for all the reviews, every single one brings a smile to my face. Here's another chapter for you all. Enjoy :)

* * *

Carla sat up, slowly, allowing her head to catch up with her body, the spinning slowly decreasing. The early morning sun shining through a gap in the door illuminating the bedroom, casting small shadows upon the wall.

Memories of the previous day slowly flood her mind. She had completely messed up. Nick had started to piece together the fragments of her messed up life, and now he would try and fix her, try and stop her from destroying herself.

But it's not like she can stop.

Food tastes like dust and her throat closes up. She had only wanted some sort of normality in her life, some sort of control, and before she knew it, she had lost more than ten pounds in less than a month.

Feeling uneasy Carla swung her legs out of her bed, she realises she's wearing Nicks top, frowning as she doesn't remember getting undressed last night. She creeps quietly into the hallway, searching for Nick, hoping that he hasn't decided he's seen enough and left her for good. She visibly relaxes as she finds him fast asleep on her sofa, slumped over with the laptop resting on him. She quietly tiptoes into the kitchen, making herself and her sleeping boyfriend some well needed coffee.

"Nick" she whispers, gently shaking his shoulder. She can't bear to see what she's doing to him as his eyes flicker open, pain and anguish filling them as he stares into her own eyes. She holds out the coffee, as a way of apology

"Thanks" his voice is quiet and croaky, tiredness evident in his voice. He places a hand on his neck, rubbing it gently.

"You didn't come to bed" Carla mutters, looking anywhere but at Nick

"I had some things to do, lost track of time, must of fell asleep " he shrugs. He couldn't bear to tell her that he couldn't face sleeping next to her that night, images of her frail body filling his mind

"What's with the laptop? " Carla asked as she picked it up as she sat down next to Nick. Gently running her fingers over the edge, daring herself to open it up

"Don't" Nick pleaded "Can we talk first? " he reached over, placing a hand over hers, their fingers entwined instantly. Both relishing the contact

"I... I don't think I can" She whispered. Nick moved across the sofa, pulling her into arms, Carla's body instantly relaxed as their breathing synchronised and Nick rested his lips on her neck in a never-ending kiss, breathing into her neck; the smell of her perfume mixed with alcohol and vomit made him sad

"Why won't you let me help you? " Nick whispered, placing am actual kiss on her neck. This time he got no response whatsoever so he squeezed her hand instead, earning him a light squeeze back, good.

"I know you think you're no good for me, but I promise you, you are the best thing that's ever happened. For the first time since the crash... Since the brain damage, you're the only one who has made me feel... Normal." Nick sighed

"Even with Erica, the... Baby, you've been there. You put me back together. You've seen the demons in my head and you helped chase them away. You may not realise it but you've saved me, please let me try to do the same." Silence fell and Nick focused to get his breathing down to the same rhythm as Carla's again, Before he managed to do so, Carla stood up, distancing herself from the situation

"Nick?" Carla's whisper rang loud as a scream and Nick looked up, startled. "I'm sorry."

Nick reached out for her hand again and squeezed it lightly; if he'd had a response to that it got stuck in his throat. Carla squeezed back hard and Nicks thumb started to move in small circles on top of hers

"I trust you with my life" Nick said and their eyes met again. "Can I trust you with your own?" Carla nodded and Nick's will to trust her was stronger than his good sense.

"Then I'll do that," He promised, receiving a small, sad smile from Carla.

"Can you manage some breakfast? " He hates himself for having to say it. He hates himself for provoking the look that flits across her face

"Just some toast and scrambled egg, I promise, nothing more" Nick can see that Carla is scared. He's scaring himself with the irrationality of the whole thing. Carla mods, her shoulders sag in defeat.

* * *

Eat up then,' Nick swallows and looks at Carla expectantly.

She takes a tentative bite. Nick is watching, trying not to show it. Carla chews. She chews and chews and chews. The food is still in her mouth.

'Swallow,' Nick says quietly. 'Come on, you can do it.'

Carla manages it. She then realises she has chewed and swallowed without once tasting what she was eating. Although she knows it's not physically possible, she can practically feel the food travelling down in her stomach.

She hates it. It's hateful, but what's more hateful is the fact that she hates it in the first place.

Nick watches Carla clear her plate. He is torn. On the one hand, Carla has just eaten breakfast for the first time in days. On the other hand, her face during the ordeal speaks volumes. Horror, revulsion, conflict, self-loathing, nothing Nick saw there can be construed as good. And the worst thing of all? He has no idea what to do about it.

"How do you feel? "

"Sick... empty "Carla admitted

A lump formed in Nick's throat, had he forced her to eat when he wasn't ready? Did he make everything worse? Was there really nothing he could do right? Situations where there were many things you could do wrong, but hardly anything you could do right was terrible

"Nick... We'll get through this, won't we? "

"Whatever we face, we face together" Nick promised "I'll always be here to pick you up when you fall"

He doesn't know what comes next but he does know one thing. He knows what the forfeit is, it's Carla's health and quite possibly her life, and he's not prepared to gamble with that


	12. One Step Foward, Two Steps Back

Firstly , I'm so sorry it's been so long since the last update, work and life has been ridiculously crazy.

Secondly, thank you for all the lovely reviews, each one brightens my day :)

* * *

Nick watches Carla's determined progress over the next few days with horrified fascination. She eats whatever he puts in front of her, although almost every mouthful is torture. She is clearly at war with herself.

It is clear that the absolute last thing that she wants to do is eat

"Don't look at me when I eat, it's making me uncomfortable." Carla frowned and put down her fork. "Not to mention it's rude."

"Can you blame me?" Nick asked, the question coming out a bit harsher than he had intended.

"I thought you were supposed to trust me."

"I do " he sighed "But I'm trying here, I'm trying to trust you. I'm trying to believe you. trying to ignore everything and it's killing me to see you kill yourself!"

Carla froze, her eyes wide

"That's what you're doing, isn't it?" Nick's voice was completely flat. "You're slowly committing suicide."

"That's a low blow " Carla snapped "You know the reasons why i did what I did" Carla got up without another word and left the lounge.

"Where are you going? Nick sighed, following Carla towards the bedroom

"Leave me alone Nick" For the first time she raised her voice and it startled Nick a bit "Everything was fine before you started all of this pestering. I never asked for your help"

"So this is my fault? "

"It might as well be!"

"You can't be serious!"

"YOU'RE TAKING MY CONTROL!" Carla bellowed.

Nick blinked.

What now? Before he had managed to gather his thoughts Carla slammed the bedroom door in his face.

"Damn it, Carla! You can't blame me for this!" Nick yelled and hit the door in frustration, but got no answer. At least it wasn't the bathroom Carla had locked herself in.

When he managed to calm his breathing he stopped staring down the door and instead sat down on the floor, leaning his head against the wall with closed eyes. He had hidden behind the excuse that he ought to trust Carla and not wanting to risk their relationship with a confrontation. Choosing their relationship over Carla's health and life, how could he do that?

"Do you hate me? " Carla asked through the door, barely louder than a whisper

"No, but I'm really starting to hate myself" Nick admitted as Carla opened the door, looking down at a tired and defeated Nick. She down on the floor in front of him and reached out her arms as an invitation to a hug. Nick gratefully wrapped his arms around her. As soon as Carla's arms embraced him, Nick broke down crying into the bend of her neck

This was just completely backwards.

Do you really blame me?" Nick asked hesitantly, dreading the answer. Carla met his eyes again and a part of Nick died in that very moment, realising that Carla did blame him.

"No more than you blame me," Carla answered in a low, quiet voice.

"I try to eat because I don't want you to worry, but it makes it worse. I eat when I don't want to and it... " She sighs

"Why didn't you tell me?" Nick breathed when Carla's voice seemed to die out

"So we could argue about it? " She laughed, shaking her head

"I just.. I don't know how to help you"

"You can't, it's my mess, I'll fix it" Carla squeezed Nick tighter

"Talk to a doctor, I'll take you, I'll do whatever you need" Nick pleaded.

"Nick, leave it" she snaps, pulling away from him

"Stop pushing me away" Nick snaps back, pressure building in his chest, threatening to release in an anger fuelled rage

"I need to get out of here " he almost shouts as he stands.

Carla's heart dropped. Mouth opened slightly before looking to the floor

"I'll be back later " He whispers, unable to look at the rejection and hurt plastered on her face.

Carla waited until she heard the click of the front door before bolting for the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her and lifting the lid of the toilet, a sob from the bottom of her stomach escaped her as she falls to her knees


	13. Admission

Added another short chapter, trying not to rush through this too much as eating disorders are definitely not "fixed" instantly. Trying to work out a way of writing In Tracys confession too as I can't leave Carla with a that guilt. Anyway, I hope you're still enjoying this story. If you have any suggestions then please PM me :)

* * *

Nick fought tears outside the bathroom, his forehead resting against the wood and his fingers stroking the flat surface. The shower was running, and the tap, but the water couldn't completely hide the sound of Carla throwing up.

"Carla, open the door!" Nick demanded when he couldn't hear anymore retching, but since nothing happened he quickly changed back to pleading. "Carla, please… Just open the door. Please, Carla, let me in."

Still nothing happened and after a couple of minutes, each feeling like an eternity. Nick kicked the door, hard

Once

Twice

The images of what waited on the other side scared him.

It was hard to say if the reality that met him was actually worse than what he had feared or not, because the fact that it was reality made it the most terrifying thing ever. The entire room was filled with steam from the shower and a lingering smell of sick. Carla sat on the floor opposite the toilet, curled up like a ball, her forehead against her knees, her body trembling. Standing at the door, Nick couldn't say if the trembles were from crying or from the strain of vomiting.

"You said you were leaving" Carla spat out

"I know. I'm sorry" Nick mumbled. Part of him wishing he had left

"But then I remembered, I told you I would always be here" He sighed walking towards the bath and turning the shower off. Reaching out a hand for Carla to take.

A peace offering

"Get me out of here" She choked out. Taking his hand, allowing Nick to lead her to the bedroom, pulling out clean clothes from her wardrobe

"You should of never come back through that door" Carla adds sadly, looking at her feet, the floor. Anything but at his eyes

You think I'm going to leave,' Nick says, the horrendous realisation dawning embarrassingly quickly now. '

You've never had a relationship of any kind where you've wanted to let someone care about you before. But then I came along. And now, part of you wants to let yourself care. But every single "partner" you've ever had in your life has used you, or hurt you. They left you when it was convenient and you've been let down. You think I'm going to do the same, despite all the times I've told you that I'm not.'

"I'm not Peter, or Fra..." Nick stops himself

"Frank" Carla shuts her eyes at his name "You can say it, I won't break apart front of you"

"I know... But sometimes, the thought of what he did, how much he hurt you. It tears me up inside" Nick admits

"Nick" Carla breathes, quickly wrapping her arms around his waist, comforting both herself and him

"You're wring by the way" She mumbles into his chest

"Wrong? "

"I know you're not going to do the same. I can see how much you care... How much you.. Love me. And that's what scares me, because you're the last person I ever want to hurt... "

"Carla, I would take whatever life throws at me, just to stand by your side" Carla squeezed Nicks hand, tears threatening to so spill from her blood shot eyes

"I think we both could do with a coffee" Nick sighed

"I'll be right with you, just need to change.. "

Nick nodded sadly and made his way to the kitchen, he was starting to despise this room, but not as much as he hated the bathroom, where he could currently hear his girlfriend

"I hate what you're doing," Nick said as Carla appeared in front of him "I would do anything for you not to do that again."

"I know," Carla whispered, her breath smelling minty of mouthwash. "I'm sorry."

"I know "

"I hate this as much as you do" She admitted

"I wish you could see yourself as I see you " Nick sighed

"I know" She repeated his earlier answer

"I have an eating disorder," She whispered, the last two words barely making it out.

Something fluttered in Nick's chest "I know, and that's all right."

Carla shook her head.

Nick held her closer, rocking them slowly back and forth. Nick was completely calm. It felt like he shouldn't be, it felt like he should be terrified about what would come, but he wasn't. Not now, at least. Right now, With Carla held tightly in his arms he felt strangely hopeful, because whatever came now would be new.

After a long time in silence, Nick kissed Carla's hair and whispered: "You're the strongest, bravest person I know."


	14. Confrontation

Nick sits quietly in the Bistro, it was well past closing time but he needed time to think, time to process the situation he had thrust upon him.

It slowly dawned on him that he has never met anyone quite as insecure as Carla Connor. Carla, who dashes around the street wrapped up in her leather coat and her unwavering confidence, but who is so unsure of herself and her self-worth.

He was the first to admit that when he first met Carla that he despised her, with her self centred personality, treating people as if they were beneath her. But slowly the icy exterior started to crack, leaving chinks in her armour exposed and raw.

His heart broke at the memories of him and Leanne laughing at her misfortunes, even doubting her when Frank had raped her. Guilt that he would take to the grave with him

"Nick?"

"Oh, Michelle " Nick smiled sadly

"Can we talk? " She asked, walking over and taking a seat next to him

"I think we need to" he sighed, holding up the bottle of whiskey that was currently keeping him and his thoughts company

"Thanks " She nodded

"She admitted it"

"She actually said... " Michelle asks in surprise

"That she has an eating disorder, yes" Nick lifted his glass to his mouth, taking a mouthful of whisky, the alcohol burning his throat

"So, what now? "

"That's up to her" Nick sighs, placing his glass back down

"We need to make her see someone, a professional, Steve's psychiatrist is really good "Michelle grabs her bag and slides nick over a card

"No. She needs to do this, we can't force her to do anything "Nick pushes the card back towards Michelle. "Anyway, I promised her, no Doctors "

"This is Carla we're on about, she is the most stubborn person i have ever met" Michelle replied in disbelief

Nick chuckled to himself

"That she may be, but I'm serious Michelle, we need to let her do this at her own pace. I've tried the hard way, and it ended badly"

"So, we just leave her to waste away to nothing? " Michelle nearly shouts, not believing what Nick is telling her

"No. We just need to find a middle ground. I've been reading things online, not that it helped that much, I just kept finding forums full of mothers desperate to find ways of getting their teenage daughters to eat" Nick sighed

"That's because that's what it usually is, a teenage disease. Not someone like Carla " Tears were now filling her eyes

"Its not like she was even near fat" Michelle shakes her head

"Its not what this is about " Nick sighed " Its about Control. It's about thinking she deserves all this pain and punishment "

"The fire? It was an accident"

"She blames herself. No matter what you or I tell her"

"Its Frank all over again. The blame and guilt. What if she... " a sob escapes her chest. She couldn't watch her best friend go through this again. Nick instinctively stands and pulls Michelle to his chest, allowing her to cry

* * *

"Well this is cosy isn't it" Carla snapped

"Carla" Nick let go of Michelle and quickly spun round to see Carla standing near the door

"Mind telling me what the hell is going on? " Carla spat, accusing

"We were just talking, I'm worried about you. We both are" Michelle replied softly

"Talking? Didn't look like that to me" She scoffed

"Stop it, Carla" Nick sighed.

"No, you don't get to tell me what to do. Bet you two been having a laugh at my expense "

"Laugh? " Nick ran a hand through his hair in despair "What part of this do you find funny? " He almost shouted

"Carla, I know about the eating dis..." Michelle trailed off

"No. Don't say it" Carla shook her head "I can't believe you told her" Carla had tears in her eyes as she looked at Nick. Her face full of betrayal.

"You think I wouldn't of worked it out in the end? Look at you, you look terrible " Michelle mumbled

"Thanks" Carla spat back, walking towards the table where Michelle and Nick currently stood by, grabbing the bottle of whiskey and taking a huge gulp

"Carla, you don't need this" Nick reaches for the bottle, taking it from her hands and placing it back on the table forcefully, knocking the paperwork on the table all over the floor. Carla rolled her eyes and gathered the papers up

"Leave it, I'll sort it " Nick mumbled

"What's this? " Carla stood slowly, holding the card Michelle had given Nick

"You want me to see a shrink? " She laughed "You DO think I'm crazy"

"No, Michelle suggested you talk to someone that's all" Nick pleaded

"You promised " She whispered

"He didn't accept the card " Michelle added, placing a hand of Carla's back. She has to stop herself from recoiling in horror, she could count every single one of Carla's vertebrae.

"This is nothing to do with you" Carla stepped away from Michelle, glaring at her.

"Carla, please,' Nick sighs. 'We need to talk about this.

'No we don't,' Carla says loftily. 'There is nothing to discuss.'

'Apart from you trying to kill yourself?' Michelle says mildly. 'No, nothing.'

Angry, Carla spins round, her head spins. She tries not to show it.

'Kill myself?' she says, eyebrows raised.

Stop spinning, room, stop spinning. '

What on earth gives you that idea?' She scoffed

Unfortunately Michelle's answer is cut off as Carla rather dramatically to the floor. Nick is at her side in seconds.

Damn it, Carla

'Are you okay?' Nick kneels by Carla's side and puts a tentative hand on her back. 'Talk to me, Carla, or I'm going to call an ambulance.

"I'm okay,' Carla stammers out desperately. 'I'm okay.

"I'm calling an ambulance " Michelle voice is shaky, clearly in shock

"No, Nick, please" Carla begs, reaching for his shirt and pulling herself up

"Michelle..."

"Take her to the Rovers, I'll finish closing up" Nick sighs

"I'm not happy about this" Michelle throws her phone into her bag as Carla manages to stand on both legs, evidently still shaking. Carla can do this. The room isn't really spinning, she knows that. Gravity, or whatever ridiculous phenomenon that Nick previously tried to teach her about, has not altered. One foot in foot of the other. Left foot, right foot, left foot.

* * *

"Can you get me some water? " Carla mumbles as she sits with Michelle in the back room of the Rovers

"Of course" Michelle leaves the room briefly, returning moments later with a bottle of water

Here,' Michelle mumbles. Pulling a chair from the table so she's facing Carla on the sofa. She just sits and waits. Carla will crack first.

Carla does crack first.

'I don't understand,' she whispers, after five minutes of silence.

'What don't you understand?' Michelle asks gently knowing how difficult a thing that is for Carla to accept.

'How this happened,' She admits slowly.

'That's okay,' Michelle replied softly "We can figure that out later. Right now that's not important. What is important is what we're going to do.'

'We?'

'Yes, we' Michelle says, more sharply than he intended. 'You cannot do this alone. Do you hear me? This is not the kind of thing you can do alone.'

'I don't need anyone,' Carla says fiercely

'Of course you do, and whether you like it or not, me and Nick are involved in this now " Michelle grabs Carla's hands. They are freezing, how can two people's body temperature be so different

"What is she doing here " Amy glares at Carla as she opens the door

"Amy... " Carla murmurs

"I'll take you back up to bed" Michelle sighs, releasing Carla's hand and walking towards Amy

"Mum said she doesn't want her anywhere near me" Amy doesn't take her eyes from Carla "She said you could of killed me"

"Amy, stop it" Michelle sighs, ushering her from the room

"I'm sorry.. " Carla mutters. The guilt from the fire flooding her body, stronger than ever

"I'll be five minutes " Michelle notices the change, Carla can look hopelessly vulnerable in the correct situation.

Carla finds herself on her feet and halfway through the back door, a bottle of vodka in her hand. She genuinely has no idea how it got there. Her body is becoming less and less his every day. She quietly shuts the door behind her and quickly makes her way back onto the street, her mind blank as she heads towards the factory

"Watch where your going"

"M'sorry" Carla mumbles

"Oh, it's you" Tracy rolls her eyes. Then she takes a proper look at Carla, she looks terrible. A pang of guilt hits her gut

"Why don't you come home with me, you look like you could do with a hot drink " Tracy offers, spotting the bottle of vodka in Carla's hand

"No thanks " Carla snaps, spotting her Car, pulling the keys from her pocket

"Where are you going? " Tracy follows Carla "You can't drink and Drive" She shrieks

"I'm fed up of people telling me what to do" Carla turns on her heel, pointing a finger at Tracy "especially YOU" She forcefully pulls the car door open and throws herself into the car. Tracy looks around the street before walking round to the other side of the car, pulling the door open

"This is crazy"

"That's my middle name " Carla scoffs

"You're not doing this " Tracy replies and she enters the car, slamming the door shut

"Just try and stop me" Carla laughed and she started the car, tyres screeching as she fled the street


	15. Consequences

I'm so sorry for the lack of updates. I've been super busy, and kept getting stuck on this chapter. Anyway enjoy!

* * *

It's cold, _always so cold_. Carla unscrews the lid to the vodka bottle, putting it to her lips and tipping her head back, the sting of the alcohol burns her throat, affecting her body instantly. She wishes to feel something other than guilt. She knows she has people who care about her, people who love her. And she so wishes she could allow herself to show them how much she loves them too

And then the crushing reality of Kal and Maddies deaths hit her like a freight train and she can do nothing but stand there, shaking as the tears stain her face and her heart clenches so tight she fears it will implode itself into destruction.

Carla brings the bottle back to her lips once more. Roughly wiping years that escape from her eyes with the back of her hand as she looks out at the night sky

She hates the darkness.

It gives her too much time to think.

Too much time to remember,

Remember all her past mistakes

* * *

"Carla? " Tracy called out, making her way towards the cliff Carla was currently standing near

"Look, let's just go home, yeah? I'm sure dad would love to see you " Tracy pleads

"Nobody wants to see me" Carla scoffs "just go, Tracy"

"Just come away from the edge. This is crazy"

"Yeah, well I am crazy" Carla bitterly laughs

"And this is the answer? Typical Carla, finding the answers in the bottom of a bottle" Tracy mocked

"I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. Just guilt and pain"

"The fire? It was a mistake" Tracy hit with her own guilt

"Mistakes won't bring back Cal and Maddies lives"

"And neither will this" Tracy waves her arms on the air "Where are we anyway? "

"Used to come here as a kid. Me, Rob and Michelle. Whole gang of us"

"You grew up round here? "

"On an estate, not far from here. Used to dare each other to see who could stand nearest the edge. Stupid really, when you think about it" Carla laughed, walking closer to the edge

"Doesn't seem so scary now" Carla closed her eyes, leaning forwards. A small breeze pushing her back

"Carla... "

"Always used to wonder what it would feel like, to just fall. Just let gravity take you, pulling you down and then... Nothing. No more pain, no more guilt"

"And nothing? What about Michelle, what about Nick? "

"I'd destroy them anyway, in the end" She whispers, her voice so rough and soft it's barely there

"Selfish until the end" Tracy snarled

"Coming from you? " Carla laughed. Opening up the bottle of vodka once more

"Why do you hate me so much?

"Where should I start" Tracy huffs "Peter, Rob, The Rovers"

"The Rovers? " Carla asks in confusion

"Me and Tony, we were made for it. But then you came along" Tracy spat

"I really must be crazy, I think I just heard you say you hated me because of a back Street pub" Carla laughed bitterly

"Its not just that is it. You always have everything. The factory, money. Men"

"Careful there Barlow, you're starting to sound jealous"

"Jealous? Of a drunken lush? No you just where you are through luck" She spat

"You're right. It's just luck. It's just the roll of the dice. And I've gambled away my life" Nothing good anymore can come from her existence. There's only death and pain and loss, and she has had enough of that for her lifetime. Everything keeps escalating out of her control.

She closed her eyes and attempted to breathe normally, inhaling deeply whilst listening to the distant cars and the rush of air in front of her feet. Her body began to move, all semblance of reasoning flitting away from her half-hearted grasp as she gasped at the feeling of the edge of the cliff beneath her feet. She found herself stopped, the toe of her shoes over the edge, just as the sun dipped below the houses in the distance and her world plunging into darkness. She didn't open her eyes once, her rational side that thought of Nick and Michelle pushed away deep into the darkness surrounding her heart. She brought the corners of her mouth up in a small smile before taking one more step...

"CARLA. STOP. IT WAS ME. I STARTED THE FIRE" Tracy screamed, startling Carla who stumbled backwards. Her heart in her mouth. Unsure of what she was feeling. Relief? Or was it regret? Thankful for not dying, but regretful because she didn't get it over with?

"What are you on about? You weren't even there"

"I was. In your flat, I took Michelle's key, but the leaving the candle on was a mistake "

"Wait, slow down. You were in my flat? Amy was there! " Carla looked at Tracy in disbelief

"She was supposed to be with 'Liz"

"But she wasn't, and she could of died in that fire. The fire you started" Carla screamed. Walking towards Tracy

"Don't you think I know that, I never meant for her to get hurt"

"No, just me" Carla spat "So, what, you wanted me dead? "

"No. I don't know" Tracy sighed "I was angry, I wasn't thinking "

"You weren't thinking? Is there actually anything inside of that thick head of yours" Carla pushed at Tracy's head

"You let me think for months that I was responsible for those deaths. And you said I was the selfish one"

"I'm sorry " Tracy mumbled

"You're sorry? All these months, everything I've done was for nothing, no, it was for you. . And Nick... I've almost pushed a good man to the edge", Carla sighed, running a hand through her hair

"What are you going to do? You can't tell anyone"

"You are unbelievable" Carla laughed "You think I'm going to carry on taking the blame for you? Do you know what I've done myself because of you?" She screamed

"No one will believe you. Look at you, you're a mess. I just saved you from killing yourself. Nobody believed you about Frank and nobody will believe you about this" Tracy spat

"Leave" Carla whispered. She was visibly shaking from the anger burning deep inside her "Go now before I do something I will regret" she screamed. Tracy backed away slowly before running, leaving a broken Carla who instantly fell to the floor, a heart wrenching sob followed Tracy as she left

* * *

"You were supposed to watch her" Nick almost shouted as turned into another road

"I left her for 10 minutes. Look, Nick this is useless, we couldn't find her last time... "

"Last time. Of course! " Nick sighed. Receiving a confused look from Michelle

"Look, when you were younger, there was a quarry or something?"

"Yeah.. Not far from here. Why? Wait, you don't think... "

"Direct me? " Nick ordered, urgently. Pulling away quickly

* * *

Carla wasn't sure how long she sat there before her hands started moving. It could have been minutes or hours; time was too distant from her grasp to make any sense. She only knew that one minute she was staring into the distance catatonically, preparing to throw herself from the edge of the cliff, and the next she was scratching deep gouges into her arms. Her arms were crossed across her chest, fingers starting at the opposing shoulders before digging in and pulling all the way to her wrists before pulling off and repeating.

Her breathing began to slow and her mind stopped racing as she focused all of her attention to the pain in her arms, letting the overwhelming feeling of raw nerves being ravaged drown out everything else.

"Carla!" She heard a muddled voice yelling beside her through what sounded like a brick wall, but she was only focusing on processing Tracy's admission. She was right, nobody would believe her

"Please, come away from the edge " He pleaded, walking towards her slowly

"Nick? " As soon as she possibly could, Carla stifled the tears. She took some deep breaths and dried her eyes on her sleeve. Nick gave her space, but stayed close enough for him to actually hear her breathe. With a trembling sigh Carla gathered the courage to meet Nicks eyes where he saw insecurity mixed with hurt and shame. There was something completely devastating surrounding Carla

"You're freezing" He whispered, reaching a hand out to gently stroke her face. Carla placed her hand over his, tears spilling from her eyes as she fell into his arms

"Don't ever scare me like that again" Nick breathed a sigh of relief to have her safe in his arms

"It wasn't me " She whispered

"What? " Nick asks in confusion

"The fire. It wasn't me. All of this, was for nothing " She laughed bitterly. Pulling away from Nick and running a hand through her hair

"Carla... Let's get you away from here, we can talk at home "

"You don't believe me. Do you? " Carla panicked

"Carla. Breathe, calm down. I believe you"

"You didn't when you found out about Frank... " She whispered

"That. That was different" He admitted "If I could change how I treated you then I would. But now, I'm not the same man, you've changed me; for the better. Whether you believe me or not, but I need you. And seeing you here, on the edge of that cliff. It felt like my whole world was ending " He tried, and failed to relax, but the fact that he endured was the greatest sign of affection Carla could imagine. The sacrifice was amazing and made every struggle worth fighting.

"I'm sorry" She whispered "I just, I couldn't cope anymore. The guilt, it was eating away at me. But now... I know it wasn't me. It wasn't me " She repeated

"It wasn't you " he reassured her. Receiving a smile he hadn't seen in months from Carla "It was just an accident...a horrible accident"

"You're right. But it wasn't me that left that candle on" She sighed

"What? "

"Tracy. It was Tracy " Carla sighed

"Barlow? Carla, this isn't making any sense"

"I'm still trying to make sense of it" She sighed "She was here. She stopped me from..."

"Carry on. We can talk about...that, later " Nick closed his eyes, taking a sharp intake of breath

"She told me she was there, in my flat. She wanted to hurt me but she got disturbed.. "

"By her own daughter " Nick scoffed

"She had already lit the candle, she said it was a mistake, she panicked and left the candle on when she left, and the rest, you know"

"She could have killed you " Nick nearly shouted "All of this, everything that you've been through recently could have killed you"

"I know. I know" She sighed. Burying her head in Nicks chest

"What happens now? " Nick asks, holding onto Carla tightly

"I just want to go home. Please" She shivered. Unsure of what exactly would happen now. Either way, it felt oddly peaceful standing there in the dark, being afraid and insecure together; protecting each other and waiting for the sun to come and chase away their fears


	16. Down we fall

Firstly in sorry that's it's been so long. I didn't plan on leaving the story where it was but I needed a little break, and then got major writers block. Anyway, I hope you're all still with me. I'll try better to update next time!

* * *

Nick felt her heartbeat under the oversized T-shirt that hid the thin torso and Nick resisted the urge to run his fingers over her protruding ribs, along her spine, just to feel how thin it had become. Carla's tense muscles relaxed surprisingly quickly, as if she finally felt safe enough to stop fighting. Nick suddenly felt a wash of guilt fill him.

It wasn't her

The fire

The _deaths_

How could he have ever thought the woman he currently held in arms was possible for any if it? In a vain attempt to ignore the guilt and the tears pressing down on his chest, Nick held Carla closer. As if it would make everything all right. As if it would make all the hurt go away. If it would, he'd never let her go.

Nick had forgotten, or perhaps suppressed, Carla's reluctance to sleep alone, without anything to protect her from the demons haunting her. Not that she had told him, of course, but it wasn't hard to figure out, especially when you have demons of your own. Pulling Carla tighter into his arms

"I didn't mean to wake you "

"S'ok" Carla mumbled, sleep evident in her voice

"Go back to sleep " Nick whispered, gently stroking the hair that had tumbled across Carla's face, tucking it behind her ear

"Awake now " Carla yawned before giving Nick a gentle smile

What are we going to do, Carla?"

Carla shrugged, but said nothing. Both of them unsure of what situation Nick was really referring to

"Can I ask something?" Nick wondered after a long silence and Carla nodded.

"If…if she hadn't of been there, would you have…jumped" The last word almost got stuck in Nick's throat and he wanted to squirm out of his skin at the mere thought. No one should ever have to ask such a question

"I.. Nick, do we need to do this" Carla pleaded

"No. No we don't, I just….You scared me Carla" Nick admitted

"I'm sorry." Carla's words were filled with guilt

"Don't be…." Nick's voice almost broke "I'm sorry I didn't notice," Reaching out to twine his fingers with hers, reminding himself that Carla had not disappeared yet. That she was still there, for a little bit longer.

Carla hesitated before letting go of a trembling breath, "You weren't supposed to."

"No. I should have. I told you I would always be there for you. Whether you like it or not I was supposed to keep you safe and I failed" Nick wished his voice didn't sound so weak, so pleading. So close to tears. How could he have missed it? In a vain attempt to ignore the guilt and the tears pressing down on his chest, Nick held Carla closer. As if it would make everything all right. As if it would make all the hurt go away. If it would, he'd never let her. Ever. Sadly, life didn't work that way, but at least the feeling of slowly choking on his own tears was lifted by Carla's warm body and the steady beat of her heart.

"You didn't fail. I'm still here" Carla whispered

Nick forced a smile in return, turning Carla's amusement into pure affection before it morphed into fear and desperation. He was familiar with both feelings and they were reflected back to him in Carla's eyes. For Nick, those feelings always came back to the question: What would he do if he lost her?

"We need to talk about…. Tracy" He murmured

"I just want to forget it" Carla admitted

"She needs to pay for what she's done" Nick shouted in disbelief

"I just want to move on. Get my life back on track, do you even understand how I've been feeling these past few months?

"You know damn well that I understand how you've been feeling. If you hadn't noticed I've been the one who was there when you were half killing yourself!" Nick couldn't stop himself from uttering the words, nor prevent the soft reprehension to seep through. He knew he shouldn't scold her, not even if it was meant to be loving and supporting.

Carla obviously thought the same, because she turned her head with a defiant glare.

"You think I wanted you to see me like that?" Carla whispered, crossing her arms protectively over her chest

Sorry," he said, reaching out and placing a hand over her crossed arms. Carla instinctively flinching. It always hurt when she did that.

"I need some time…on my own" Carla muttered, flinging the bed sheets off herself and throwing her legs over the side of the bed

"Carla, please"

"I need to clear my head" Carla took a deep breath, trying, unsuccessfully, to let everything go.

"Where are you going to go?" It felt wrong to to let her leave, even if deep down Nick knew that she needed the time on her own now more than ever

"Not where you think" Carla rolled her eyes

"I didn't… I trust you Carla. Just promise you'll text me, OK?

"I promise " Carla smirked, almost managing to build up her façade again

* * *

Two more miles and she'll stop. Carla tries to focus on breathing. Two more miles and then she would stop. She would stop, and she would go home, and she would find Nick and eat something. She smiles slightly. Now the truth had come to light things could go back to normal now, couldn't they? She didn't need to keep punishing herself

Starving herself

She could stop now

Couldn't she?

she frowns and runs harder, willing herself to be faster, making sure to really work herself this time. No one is going to make Carla better but Carla and she owes it to everyone who so clearly believe in her, to be better. She owes it to herself. It's in the last half of what's supposed to be the last mile Carla is in the process of convincing herself that she should run two more when she hears Katie start the treadmill up next to her

"Hey Carla. Having a good work out there" Katie laughs " Mind if I join you?"

"Of course not" Carla pants out, trying to catch her breath, and trying to hide it. For some reason the idea of seeming weak in front of Katie is extremely unappealing. "

"Are you sure? How long have you been going?"

"I just started."

Katie nods and starts jogging "Awesome then, lets go."

The run is hard, and her legs feel like lead the entire time. It's a good workout though, andCarla can't deny that it's a distraction from everything going on onside her head, so she doesn't complain even to herself. But she can't concentrate. She just lied to Katie for no reason. Or rather, she just lied to Katie for no reason other than to hide the fact that she had already been running for over an hour.

After half an hour Carla slows down to a jog. He probably shouldn't have run for so long

Katie noticed after about ten seconds slowed down to a jog herself to check on him.

"Carla, are you ok?"

Carla nods, "Yeah, sorry I just, have a stitch." More like her legs are about to fall off

"How much did you run before you ran with me?"

Lie, she thinks. Again. "Just a slow jog to warm up."

"Shall we stop? Maybe go grab a coffee?" Katie laughs

Carla hesitates. She wants to keep running, but she also just promised herself that she would slow down. So she nods, and Katies face brightens. Besides after all that, Carla is feeling really good about herself for the first time in months. She was making a positive change, and getting control of over at least one part of her life. She's doing this for herself

* * *

"You just let her go?" Michelle asked in disbelief. Every word wanted to come out as a scream, and it took so much effort to rein that in that she could barely speak.

"She needed space. She's blamed herself for so long. Those thoughts aren't just going to go away " Nick sighed and closed his eyes. The lack of sleep from the previous night was making it hard to think

"Where is she now?"

"She's meeting me here" Nick picked up his phone to check the time

"And what about her" Michelle spat, her eyes darting towards Tracy

"Carla won't talk about it " Nicked sighed

"Well then what are we going to do about her? "

"Have you got something to say?" Tracy shifted in her seat and looked over at Michelle, who was watching her, hawk-like, then around at Nick who studied her just as intensely.

"I think you're the one with something to say" Michelle snarled

"I don't know what you're on about " Tracy laughed. And nervously picked up the glass on front of her, turning her back on them and whispering with Robert

" Oh great, now she's here" She would have immediately jumped to her feet had Robert not had hold of her arm. Her eyes narrowed at him.

"What would you have done? Got into a fight. Wound them up more? You would have only made it worse, and Carla would have said something too. Do you want that? Robert hissed. Tracy pursed her lips, and glared at Carla for a moment, she swallowed hard and sat down again

"We can leave if to want " Nick offered as Carla sat next to him. Glancing over at Tracy

"No, it's fine. Going to have to learn to see her around aren't I" For a few moments, they sat in silence. Carla's mind was once again racing

"I need to tell you something.. " Nick reached over for Carla's hand

"Tracy Barlow?" A voice bellowed, Carla's head snapping round to find who the voice belonged to, her eyes instantly meeting with those of two police men, then round to those of Tracy

"Yes?" She spoke out

You're under arrest, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court."

"Listen, this is all a big mistake," Tracy replied, squirming uncomfortably as she felt the cold metal of the handcuffs round her wrists

"Anything you say may be given in evidence," he concluded, ignoring her.

"You!" Tracy screamed. Eyes meeting Carla "I stop you from throwing yourself of a cliff and this is the thanks I get?"

"I didn't…"

"No. It was me " Nick admitted

"You had no right " Carla shook her head in disbelief. It was hard to say if the reality that met her was actually worse than what dhe had feared or not, because the fact that it was reality made it the most terrifying thing ever

Sorry," he said, not really grasping what he was sorry about, and placed both hands in his lap instead. He looked down at them, not sure what he should do, what he could do, what Carla wanted or needed him to do.

"What's going on? What is Tracy on about? " Sean asked

"Carla?" Michelle placed a hand on her shoulder, Carla instinctively shaking it off

"I bet you encouraged him didn't you? " Carla kept his voice very matter-of fact, but John knew him well enough to see the insecurity in his posture. It didn't matter though. Right now it didn't matter at all.

"I didn't know he phoned them, but if I did then yes, I would have. She needs to pay for what she did!" putting her anger and frustration on hold for a while "She let you take the blame for Maddie and Kals deaths, when all along it was her"

"Tracy started the fire? She murdered my girlfriend? Sophie asked in disbelief

"I'm sorry. I can't do this" Carla replied a bit harsher than she had intended. Grabbing her bag she fled from the rovers return. Nick quickly trailing behind her.

This isn't how he planned things to go


	17. Fragile

_Just a really quick chapter to try and get this story going again. I had to abandon it for a while due to life issues. My mum passed away so everything went a bit wrong_

 _Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile_

 _When I thought that I was strong_

 _But you touch me for a little while_

 _And all my fragile strength is gone_

Nick watched the door shut and Carla immediately crumpling on the sofa

"What have you done " She whispered

"What you should have done last night. You didn't see the way she was in the bar, carrying on without a care in the world whilst you… " Nick trailed off

"It was my mess to fix"

"You could have died last night, because of her!"

"Yeah, and now the whole Street knows, because you couldn't help yourself " her face a mix of anger and shame

"There's just no way to please you is there? He yelled back, just as angry. He fucked up. Why did he always fuck up? Anger at himself burned through him as teared at the stack of folders currently sat neatly on the table so the paper flew about as if it were leaves falling from the trees. Grabbing an empty cup he launched it at the wall in frustration, smashing it into pieces.

He stood in the middle of the room surrounded by the wreckage of his outburst, heaving in lungs of air as it dawned on him what had just happened. He hadn't lost control over his anger like this for a long time.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he mumbled, not even realising he was saying it out loud, it wasn't until he felt a pair of small arms snake around his torso that he came back to reality, sighing he tightly wrapped his own arms around Carla, breathing in the scent of her, instantly calming him.

"No, I'm the one who's sorry, It wasn't your fault"

"It doesn't excuse what just happened, the anger… it hasn't been like that for months" Nick admitted

"It's OK to get angry. I'm surprised you kept it together this long, I've given you enough reason" Carla laughed gently into his chest as she pulled away to look up at him.

Nick flinched and froze. Red raw eyes that gazed up at him, the tear tracks running down Carla's face into the the small cut on her cheek that oozed blood as surely as her eyes leaked tears. His heart clenched painfully in his chest. He had done this

"Nick?"

"Your…your cheek" he muttered while hiding his face in his hands, a strangled sob escaping his lips

Carla instinctively bought her hand to face, tiny drops of blood smeared across her fingertips. She reached out for his arm, slightly slightly squeezing in a vain attempt o help him calm down. "Just relax, you're fine. Its fine"

"No. Its not, I can't lose control like this around you" He sighed. Carla ran her fingers through his hair over and over again, something that always helped him relax

"Your hands are freezing," he told her, as she wiped a stray tear from his face.

"Let's just keep a level head, and keep moving forward. Yeah, this is going be hard, on both of us, but we'll figure it out, okay?" Carla's eyes flicking from his eyes to his lips.

"Let me clean that cut" Nick stood straight, his breathing had returned to normal, but the air still felt like they were on edge

"Everyone knows that I tried to kill myself " Carla whispered as Nick gently wiped at her cut, making her wince "I bet they're all talking about it now. Having a right laugh"

"Carla…"

"Tracy was right. Its going to be Frank all over again "

"No. They'll see through her lies, with her reputation "

"And what about my reputation?" She scoffed "Not exactly like I'm little miss innocent is it "

"They were wrong about Frank" Nick spat "He knew how to manipulate everyone"

"Even you" She whispered

"I apologised for that last night. And it will always be my biggest regret. Don't make me feel any worse than I already do"

"M'sorry"

"We're going round in circles" Nick sighed. Rubbing his forehead "Have you eaten today? He didn't know why he bothered asking, he knew the answer as soon as he saw the expression on her face

"Are you going to? " another question he need not ask. Sighing as he opens the fridge. Empty as usual. Slamming it shut.

"So is this what it's going to be like? We argue and you lose your temper?" Carla snapped

"That's a low blow " Nick hissed "And we wouldn't be arguing if you would just be…"

"Be what?" normal?"

"The Carla I fell in love with. I hate seeing you do this to yourself . I have to watch you waste away. I know you've been going to the gym more. I bet you think you're making yourself better this way, don't you? I have news for you: you're not"

"Oh and you know what's best for me?" She snapped

"Anything but this" He's too angry to care. "Watching someone starve themselves is the hardest thing I've ever had to do" Nick shouts. He stops himself and takes deep breaths, he can't lose his temper again today

"How about you leave me alone?" There's bite in her words, but it's weak. Desperate and pleading

"Fine" Nick snapped. Grabbing his jacket and reaching for the door "Im going to get lunch, before this becomes a problem for us both" Nick stops as he holds the door handle, taking a steadying breath. "I don't know how to help you yet, but I'm not going to stop trying." He unlocks the door, leaving reluctantly.


	18. At Low Point

It was just a sandwich. Whole grain bread. No butter, a slice of ham and lettuce leaves and a smear of mustard , cut in half, and a cup of coffee, black, veside it. Roy had sat her down, on the table hidden away abs placed the plate in front of her. That was thirty minutes ago.

She tried to relax her rigid body, taking in slow, deep breaths. You can do this, she whispered to herself. But she felt the nausea roll in and the sensitivity in the back of her throat, that feeling that she was about to be sick. She glared at the sandwich, willing it to appetize her, but instead her mouth went dry and the familiar dizzy feeling returned, her heart racing.

She leaned forward and examined the sandwich with a scrutiny she knew was unnecessary. She knew she needed to eat it but her hands wouldn't respond. They sat tensed, one on each knee, palm down, knuckles white, fingers curled. She wished Roy had given her something else, Soup, Fruit salad. Just the cup of coffee

She swallowed the tingling in the back of her throat and finally reached out to pick up half the sandwich. The spongy bread squished underneath her fingers, taking a bite with her eyes closed, and she knew it was pitifully small, but it was the best she could do. The sandwich dropped back on the plate, eyelids squeezing shut. Her teeth squished the bread, crushed the meat, sharp mustard scraped across her unsuspecting taste buds, the wad of mashed up bread and meat and condiments went to the back of her throat and she forced it past the twitching muscles trying to push it back the other way, once then twice until it had definitely gone down her throat, sliding down slowly, her stomach gurgling at the unwanted disturbance

"Carla?" It was Gary. A welcome distraction from what sat in front of her "Can I have a word? "

"Sure" she smiled, pushing the plate away from her

"I've tried to find Nick, with Sarah being in hospital and all..."

"What's wrong? " She asked, confused as Gary reached from his pocket

"Bethany, she was at the gym today and I found these on her" he sighed, passing her the contents of his pocket

"Diet pills?"

"She was with some of her mates, you know what young girls are like with how they look"

"Right... " Carla trailed off, examining the small bottle that her hand tightly gripped. She was slightly aware that Gary was still speaking to her. Her mind was racing, her breathe catches at her chest and makes her throat tighten. A muscle twitches in her jaw.

"...Anyway, if you could just let Nick know?"

"Oh, yeah, course" Carla murmured, getting to her feet and scraping the chair along the floor as she rushes towards the cafe door, glancing back at Gary and giving him a small nod as she pulls the door open.

The rain lashes down as she marches towards the factory, the raindrops sting as it hits her uncovered skin harshly. She rubs a hand up and down her arm, trying to will some heat into herself as she quickens her pace. Finally she reached her destination as she grabbed the cold metal handles, pulling the door towards herself, relishing the rush of heat that hits her

"Mrs Connor? " Carla inwardly rolled her eyes at the sight of Sally, she had hoped everyone would be on their lunch break by now

"Sally, why are you still here" She didn't mean to snap, she just wanted to be alone

"I forgot my bag " Sally replies, looking at Carla with a mix of confusion and concern as she takes on her form. Carla's hair is dripping wet, her arms small and thin with a slight blue tinge

"Let me make you a cup of coffee " Sally smiled as she places her bag on the nearest chair

"No" Carla snaps again "Go. Tell everyone they can have the afternoon off. I have things to do "

"Carla..."

"It's Mrs Connor, I'm still your boss you know"

"Right. Of course " Sally dropped her gaze away from the woman she barely recognised in front of her "See you soon Mrs Connor " She added sadly as she pulled the factory door open, Carla followed behind her as she pulled the door closed behind her, locking both doors before swiftly making her way towards the office, she spots a discarded cardigan she had long left hanging on the back of her chair, Its navy colour shines a little underneath the glow of the soft lamp, she quickly grabs it as she wraps it tightly around herself, it hadn't fitted her when she wore it for a few months and it now drowns her, but she relishes the warmth it gives her, she places her hands into the pockets and finds a simple black hair band which she uses to pull the wet hair that is now sticking to her neck and pulls it up into a messy bun as she pulls her chair out and collapses into it.

She let's out a little breath and rubs a tired hand across her face, turning her attention to one of the drawers of her desk, taking the key, which thankfully she had kept in her bag she inserted it and tugged the drawer open. A small bottle of whisky sits upon folders stuffed with loose paperwork. Carla pulls it out as she unscrews the lid, instinctively taking a gulp of the smooth liquid that instantly burns her throat, the familiar warmth hits her stomach. She reaches for a glass and knocks her bag which she left open laying on her desk, the contents spill across the desk but only one thing catches her eye as she reaches for the small container which she rolls between her fingers with a frown, she glances over at the door, half expecting Nick to be standing there with that disappointed look on his face. The uncontrollable terror hits her that she may have finally lost him forever, the feelings blow up inside her like a hurricane. She thought she would be alone forever, and foolishly thought she would be OK with that, but then Nick came along, and now she got too close and she doesn't know how to carefully balance the delicacy of her feelings for Nick along with her own fearful ones about herself. Carla starts panicking because she doesn't want to lose him, but she needs the control and she feels so annoyed with herself for letting this situation spiral far in the first place.

She pops the lid of the container open and lets the small round pills lay in the palm of her hand for a while, they are tiny yet weigh her hand down, she knows that it's just the guilt and shame of what she has stooped to. She picks one of them up and slowly places it between her lips before reaching for the bottle of whisky and letting the pill slide down her throat along with the golden amber liquid. She leans back into her chair, a handful of the elicit diet pills in one hand, the bottle in the other as she sighs and closes her eyes before shoving the pills into her mouth and takes a few large gulps of drink. Hate rose up in her throat like bile, burning its way up so forcefully she almost choked


	19. Skin and bones

Carla stares at the ceiling and shifts for the thousandth time in bed. There's no clock in the room for her to confirm the hour, but her eyes are tired and her joints hurt from being awake for so long. This is when, until three days ago, she would have snuck out for an early morning run, but since Nick had awoken one morning to find her half collapsed body on the sofa Nick hasn't let her out of his sight.

Even after their heart-to-heart this didn't stop Nick and Michelle from attaching themselves to her like parasites. Carla should be grateful. She should be thankful that they're caring for her. But she's suffocating.

The air inside the flat is hot and sticky, making Nick's shirt she stole cling to her bones and stick to her skin. She throws off the quilt and shifts once more. If only he could sleep

The urge to get up and move becomes too strong for her to resist, rolling of the bed she glides down the hallway. She's light and lithe, not making a sound on the carpeted ground. She lets herself into the bathroom and clicks on the overhead light. She wants to inspect, scrutinize, criticize, but even the thought of seeing her body at the moment makes her want to die.

Carla leans against the wall and stares. She doesn't lift the shirt up, doesn't pinch or examine her stomach or legs. Rather, she looks at the dark circles under her eyes and the hollow of her cheeks. Not even the exhaustion evident in her face can match the exhaustion in her bones. She opens the bathroom cabinet and pulls out the packet of tampons she had cleverly hidden the bottle of illicit diet pills inside.

"Carla?" Nicks voice calls her urgently from the other side of the bathroom door, not that Carla hears it from where she's locked herself in, she barely hears it as she pushes pill after pill down her throat because she's been taking them on and off for weeks now, she needs more now though because they're not working fast enough

She's not sure how long she stands there. It could be second or days, or anywhere in between. She's in a trance, only to be pulled out of it by an insistent rapping sound on the door. Carla opens her mouth. "What?" she croaks, voice cracking from disuse. She's back in the present now. She hadn't realized how woozy she was until she tried to take her weight off the wall.

Nick keeps pounding on the door. "Let me in," he shouts through the wood. Carla doesn't think he would break it down, but she's not sure, and she's certainly not in the mood to test his theory, she places the pills back in the cabinet before unlocking the bathroom door and stands back to let in Nick. She's surprised by the harsh sunlight that suddenly floods the bathroom. How long had she been standing in the bathroom? In the moment it is very cold and her body is shaking.

"you had me worried when I woke up to an empty bed, I thought you may have gone for a run until I realised you were in here and then..." He stops. He doesn't need to say what he thought his girlfriend was doing locked inside the bathroom

"I wasn't. Not what you think. I just couldn't sleep" Carla trails off

"Ok. I trust you" Nick admits as he grabs her frigid hands and winces at their chill.

"Let me run you a Shower? You're freezing" He whispers

Carla nods slowly. Clinging on to his hands for support

"Sit" He mutters. Past events flashing through his mind of having to help her clean herself up after he first found her purging...

Nick turns the handles on the shower and sets the water to a comfortable temperature before returning to a fragile Carla.

"Are you going to take MY shirt off then? Nick smirks. Attempting to lighten the mood

"I can shower myself "Carla mumbles

"Carla, you can barely stand on your own. Do you really think I'm going to leave you " He raises one eyebrow

'T-shirt off,' Nick says patiently

'No,' says Carla. Nick folds his arms. Slowly, very slowly, Carla grasps the hem of the t-shirt and pulls it over her head.

Nick instinctively shuts his eyes to try and think but has to open them again. He cannot stand one more second of the image of Carla's body. The sight was even worse than before. Last week he got a mere glimpse before Carla had turned the light in the bedroom off. Now he understood why she wouldn't get changed infront of him. Why she insisted on keeping a shirt on when they were in bed.

Nick was forced to stare at her body with morbid fascination, unable to avert his eyes. If Nick had thought Carla's ribs were prominent, her hip bones proved to be even worse. No fat on her upper arms, no fat on her legs, and seeing her vertebrae sticking out like that was far worse than feeling them through Carla's clothes. She was a walking skeleton

He doesn't know how Carla expects him to pretend that this isnt happening. He's tried looking online, searching website's designed to help family and friends of those with food issues, but mostly he found mothers begging others to make their teenage daughters eat.

"Nick?" Carla asks hesitantly as she grabs the discarded shirt from the floor and covers her body

"I'll get you a clean towel" He replies. Adverting his eyes away from her body

He makes sure Carla safely gets into the shower before he pulls the bathroom door open. The sound of the lock clicks with far more noise than should be possible, and then silence falls. Nick puts his head in his hands

He had just reinforced everything bad that's going on in Carla's head right now. He could not have had a worse reaction.

Twenty minutes later and a hand appears through the tiniest of crack between the door

'Clothes,' a voice says quietly.

Nick recognises the command in the tone.

'Back in a minute,' he says, voice a little rough from holding back tears

When Nick reappears back on the landing two minutes later, the hand has not changed position. It is, however, trembling slightly. Nick has no idea what do to but for now he will play it as normal as he can

'Here you go,' he says lightly, draping the clothing over the outstretched arm "Breakfast?'

'No thank you,' the hand withdraws and the door shuts with a snap.

Nick knows a dismissal when he sees one. He goes into the kitchen and clicks the kettle on. He places a hand on the loaf of bread before launching it towards the wall in frustration

How could he have missed this?

He had been watching her so closely the past few weeks. She had been eating a bit more recently. He thought they were finally taking a step in the right direction

He was certain she wasn't purging still. Surely he would have noticed if she had been throwing up after every meal?

Then again, he hadn't noticed his girlfriend wasting away in front of his own eyes. Nick closed his eyes and pressed his thumb and index finger against the root of his nose before shaking his head. This had gone on far too long. He needed help. Carla needed help.

"Dev. Can I have a word?" Dev stops and turns. Gary is standing about twenty feet behind him, looking concerned, and Nick knows immediately that he does not want to have this conversation.

"Hey Nick, what's up?" Nick shifts and takes a couple steps that put them within normal talking distance. Nick looks down at his feet for a second before looking back up at Dev. He's clearly nervous. Dev opens his mouth, but Nick cuts him off. "Can we talk?"

Dev leads him towards the front desk, away from anyone else. "So, what's up? Nick just looks at him. He considers walking out and dealing with this later, but finally responds.

"I need you to cancel Carla's membership "

"Uh.." Dev blinks. Slightly taken aback. "She would need to come in herself and do that"

"Why?" Nick sharply replies. Something in Dev's expression makes him think that he isn't going to be able to just play this off

"It's just gym policy..." Dev stops "Look. Is everything OK?"

"Oh it's just great" Nick laughed. His voice heavy with sarcasm. His fists clenched in response to the negative thoughts. Unbeknownst to Nick, Gary notices as he makes his way over

"If this is about the pills, Dev had no idea"

"Pills? " Nick cuts Gary off

"Didn't Carla.. Look, it was nothing Bethany and her friends had them. You know what girls are like about their weight. And they were unopened" Gary frowned up at him

"Bethany? What are you on about? What pills?" Nick glared at him, and Gary was sure that in a moment he was going to argue, so he hurried on before he could do so

"Diet pills. Carla said she would sort it out "

"You gave my girlfriend diet pills?" Nick bellowed, grabbing Gary by the collar of his shirt

"It wasn't like that!" Gary pushed Nick off

"Cancel her membership now, and I'll forget that your colleague here supplied Carla with pills" Nick spat. He took in the information he had just received and stormed out of the Gym. He leaned against the wall, steading his breath before hopping into his car. He needed to see Carla


	20. Acceptance

The look of disgust on Nicks face after witnessing her body wouldn't leave Carla's mind. She knew he hadn't meant anything malicious by it. But that didn't stop her scrutinising herself in the mirror of her wardrobe, or how many calories she had consumed over the past few weeks. She wanted to weigh herself but Nick had hidden the only pair in the flat. She could go see Michelle again and use hers but she couldn't risk being found out and have her worrying or commenting. Instead she frantically searched the bedroom.

Once she gave up on the scale hunting she sat on the floor next to the bed and thought about what she had to eat. That was something she did far too much. It was apart of the whole ritual of it.

"Carla" Nick hesitantly put his head round the door and took the sight before him, clothes and boxes upturned from under the bed

"Lost something?"

Carla looked up at Nick standing in the doorway. She realized she probably should have closed the door. "It's nothing."

"Do you need me to leave you alone? Or…"

"No." Carla sat up straighter and her back cracked. She must have been sitting there for a bit. "Its fine. I was just going through some old clothes" she lied

"Right..." Nick trailed off

"We need to talk" he sighed as he walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from Carla on the floor, he could see her small silhouette framed in the mirror. He noticed how Carla pulled her legs up towards herself, somehow making herself even smaller

"How long have you been taking them?"

"What..."

"I saw Gary. Don't even try and deny it"

Nick felt a strange jolt of satisfaction when Carla stared at him in shock. "Yes, I know about the diet pills. The ones you got from my niece!" Nick tried to keep calm, though he could feel his whole body shaking. Carla looked more than a little busted

"I cancelled your gym membership too" He snorted.

"You did what?" Carla hissed "You were supposed to trust me."

Nick snorted. "Well, it's established that I have trust issues. Not to mention the fact that you're not honouring your part of our deal, so I think I'm in the clear."

"I'm not stupid. Or blind for that matter. You think I haven't noticed the weight loss? "

"So you cancel my membership behind my back?" She scoffed

"You have no right to be offended by that"

"Oh, really?" Carla laughed bitterly

"if I keep track of your eating and bathroom habits because I care about you then no you have no right to be offended by it!" I'm trying to believe you! I'm trying to ignore everything and it's killing me to see you kill yourself!"

Carla blinked and something, a rapid blinking, an irregularity in her breathing, Nick had no idea what made him cold from the inside out, putting his anger and frustration on hold for a while. His head spinning.

"How many have you taken? How long?" Suddenly concern filled him with what damage Carla may have done to her body by taking the pills

"I don't know" she mumbles. She's honest. She has no idea how many of the pills she has consumed. She just needed results

"Don't you get it?" Nick tells her . "You don't need to be taking those pills. Any of them" Nick pulls himself onto the floor and takes her hand with a despairing shake of his head

"I won't take anymore " She mumbles

"For how long? Two more weeks? A day? 'til the end of 2017?" Nick asked, the anger growing stronger again to cover up the disappointment

"I said I'd stop didn't I?" Carla snapped

"Give them to me then" Nick challenged her. Knowing she wouldn't willingly give them away

"Why can't you just trust me?"

"Why do you need them if you're not going to take anymore?" Nick asked getting frustrated with her "I will find them" he says, sounding more like a threat. By this point Nick had almost given up hope completely, the concern he felt was becoming nearly unbearable as he contemplated tearing the flat apart even more than Carla already had

"I need a drink" Carla pulled herself up and breathed out a breath of air, releasing the tension from her shoulders

"This isnt finished Carla" Nick warned as he watched her leave the bedroom before getting up himself and putting away the clothes Carla had left all over the bed, he also took the opportunity to search for the pills

Nick looked at his phone. Had five minutes really passed? Carla hadn't made a noise and Nick wondered if she was even in the flat anymore

He walked out into the hallway, the light streaming from under the bathroom door contrasting with the darkness of its surroundings, Nick wasn't sure whether he was relieved or scared to discover that Carla was closed inside the bathroom

Half a dozen soft footsteps later, Nick found himself staring straight at the door, hand wrapped around the knob. "Carla. Are you still in there?"

He pressed his ear to the door, listening for anything, but he could hear nothing

"I'm coming in whether you like it out not Carla. I'm not letting you do this anymore "

Carla, who'd just been about to take another couple of pills when Nick called, drops them. She makes a snuffling noise, bends and inadvertently makes the container go flying off where she'd balanced it on the edge of the sink. It hits the floor with a tinkling crash and a load of the circular pills tumble out onto the floor. Cursing she goes on her hands and knees and tries to gather them all up.

She takes another one in her mouth as she goes, chewing and pulling a bit of a face at the acidic taste. She retches for one singular moment, before carrying on clustering the fallen pills together again.

Nick becomes even more anxious by the types of noise that he can hear from the bathroom as he throws his body weight at the door

"Go away!" She cries hoarsely

Nick hurls himself against the door a couple more times, before it finally gives way and opens.

Carla abandons the pills and whirls around, her face is pale and tears that she hadn't even realized she'd been shedding streaked across her thin cheeks as she pushes herself back against the edge of the bath

"What are you-?" But then his eyes dip down to the pills on the floor

Carla feels like she's being stabbed repeatedly in the chest as Nick approaches, she wants to lunge forwards and snatch the container up, before he can reach it, but she doesn't seem able to move.

"How many?" Nick grabs Carla by the arms urgently, panting from exhaustion

"M'sorry" Carla sobbed "You're hurting me" She whimpers

Nick instantly let's his vice like grip go and pulls her into a hug. Running a hand through her hair as he holds her as she breaks down in his arms

"Let me take you to hospital "Carla violently shakes her head

"Please," Nick begs, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Carla's eyes widen. She had realized that Nick cared, that he loved her, but it's only now that she's beginning to understand just how deep those feelings really run. He stares into your pleading eyes and jerks his head forwards and rests his head on yours

"Ok " She whispers. She doesn't want to cause him anymore pain


	21. Help

Nick hated hospital, everything was so sterile and white. the smell of disinfectant filling his nostrils that bought back too many bad memories, he had spent far too much time in this place. He couldn't quite believe that things with Carla had come this far. He should have done something, he could have prevented everything that happened today if he had just done something

The hospital gown was itchy against Carla's skin as she shifted on the bed. The heart monitor drummed on, unaffected. She takes a slow breath in and releases it even slower. Her body aches like she's been working it to the bone for years. Her chest feels heavy as she keeps breathing. She tilts her head to one side, then to the other. Her head feels like it weighs ten extra pounds. The lights are too bright and the bed is uncomfortable.

The walls are white, too white, the bed creaks underneath her. There's nothing besides her, the bed, and a rolling tray. She winces when she tries to sit up. She flops back down with a huff. It hurts. Tears start to well up in her eyes, but she pushes them back

She wishes she could just rip the IV the doctor has insisted she had from her arm and leave, she doesn't belong here, there's a door in front of her, and while part of her wants to run out and run away from the room with the too white walls, she knows she can't. She doesn't have the strength for that. It took so much to just sit up. There's no way she could handle running. Not now. Her stomach twists. It grumbles at her.

She had really messed up today, there are too many memories she would rather not remember. She rolls to her side and curls up on herself. She holds back her tears, now is not the time to cry. You're stronger than that. She pushes herself back up and places a hand to her increasing headache. She blinks a few more times. It's too bright. The room is too unfeeling. She swallows hard.

The door opens. She snaps her head up to the man now entering her room. She swallows again when the man smiles at her. Not a condescending smile, but a look that one would use with a frightened animal. That's what Carla feels like. She's in a cage.

His white uniform blends in with the bland walls around him. He's carrying a clipboard and a glass of water

"Hello Mrs Connor" He says calmly. He holds the glass of water out to her as a peace offering which Carla gratefully accepts "My name is David, I'm a psychiatric nurse. The doctor who assessed you when you were admitted this evening has referred you to the mental health team in the hospital, I'm just here to ask you a few questions if that's OK?" He's still smiling at her. She looks down to the blanket covering her legs. She doesn't want to answer him. She doesn't know what to say or how to react to this situation

"Can you tell me why you're here Mrs Connor?" She slowly raises her eyes to meet his. He's still smiling at her. Her fingers twitch. She can't stop the thought that he's judging her, waiting for her to slip on something, to see the imperfections.

"How about I ask you some basic questions first and we'll go from there? He asks patiently. Carla slowly nods and gives him a small smile

"You were admitted today as your boyfriend claims you had taken a number of diet pills, thankfully the doctor who examined you said there was no immediate danger, but wanted you on an IV and sent off for a number of blood tests" He pauses before he continues "The results show no lasting damage from the diet pills, though they was a high level in your bloods, how long have you been taking them for?"

"A few weeks " Carla mumbles. She knew she could just lie, but she was in too far now. David scribbles something on the papers in his hand

"Mrs Con.."

"Carla. Call me Carla"

"Ok, Carla" David nodded with a small smile "I'm just going to go through a few necessary questions so I can best assess your needs"

"Alright " Carla sighed

"Other than the diet pills, do you struggle with any substance abuse?"

"I'm not addicted to them" Carla said in defence. David simply smiled and shook his head

"Have you experienced any hallucinations, auditory, visual, or otherwise?"

"No."

"Have you fainted in the last month?"

"Yes" Carla whispered

"Alright," David said, checking off some boxes on the forms in front of him before continuing. "Have you ever performed self-injurious behaviours?"

"No."

"Any thoughts of suicide?"

Carla paused for a bit, trying to wrap her head around the question. It's not as if she didn't know the answer, she did, very well. It was more a question of whether or not she could actually say it.

"Yes." she said finally.

"Could you explain?"

Carla could feel her throat close up. There's no words that she can come up with. She tries. She opens her mouth and sucks in air, but no noise comes out. She exhales and looks away. She upset with herself. She should be able to talk. She should know the words to say and be strong enough to say them. She squeezes her eyes shut. How disappointing. She can't do it. She should be able to. A few more tears well up in her eyes. She wipes them away quickly. She's stronger than that

"Is there any history of suicide attempts?" David pushes, receiving a slow nod from Carla

"I was raped" She blurts out "I never intended to...I didn't want to die. I just needed to sleep " She admitted. David pulled out a packet of tissues from his pocket and passed them to Carla

"I'm so sorry Carla. I just have a few more questions if that's OK?"

"Alright " She replied, fiddling with a stray thread on the blanket

"Because of the nature of why you're admitted I have to ask you these questions"

"Do you struggle with food?"

Carla shrugged, her eyes looking towards the door. She knew Nick would be waiting outside for her

"Have you lost more than 12lbs in the last 3 months? "

Again Carla shrugged. She didn't want to be here

"Have you ever made yourself sick?"

"Have you ever over exercised as a way to burn calories?"

"Do you think you're overweight?"

"I don't know" She admitted "I just.. I need the control " The words seemed so empty, so meaningless now. Carla let a single tear role down her cheek. She clenched her first, the feeling of her own nails digging into her own skin gave her a sick satisfaction

David looked up before writing something else on the notes. Part of her wants to scream, the other part wants to die

"I need to get a reading of your height and weight. Then I'll leave you to rest for a while. Can you stand?"

Carla removes the blanket off her legs. She flips them off the side and touches them to the floor and pushes off the bed and stands. David took the IV from her hand and walks towards the door and waves her on to follow. She grabs the blanket from the bed and follows him, thankful he doesn't mention it. She wraps it over her shoulders and hugs it tight. The t-shirt she's wearing does nothing to stop the cold from the hallway.

She looks up at the board taking up a chunk of the wall. It's a white board sectioned off into times of day with names at the side. She spots her name at the top. A breath leaves her. Now it's starting to feel real. She's really in a hospital. She's really there. He breathing sharpens and her head feels light. Immediately she's sat on the ground and pressed against the wall. Nick had come running at the sight if Carla on the floor, he is staring at her. He's saying something but she can't focus. Her breathing is too hard. She looks at his lips. Whispering words she can't register. She recognizes the word he's mouthing. Breathe.

She takes a deep breath and holds it till she can't no longer. The air comes easier then. His voice is cutting through the fog in her head. She can hear him now, telling her to breathe slowly and lean against the wall fully. She listens, not taking her eyes off the green of his. They are constant and unwavering in their determination to get her to calm down. There's water from somewhere. She takes it carefully, afraid she'll drop it. The nurse sits beside her, not close enough to touch her, but close enough so she can feel him next to her.

"Carla, do you get panic attacks often?" He asks. The overwhelming sense of 'this is real' hit her too hard. She couldn't handle it

"Only once" Nick adds, rubbing his hand up and down her back, helping her to relax. David quickly scribbles something else on her notes before standing

"Carla we'll have to move you from the floor, is that OK? "

Carla buries her head into Nicks neck, inhaling the lingering smell of his aftershave. She feels his arms wrap round her tiny torso as he gently squeezes.

"Let's get you up " He mumbles into her hair as he gently guides her to standing.

"Stay with me " Carla begged, looking over at David as she clinged to Nick, David nodded, giving them both a small smile as he led them towards a small room. He ushered Carla to stand on the scales that were situated on the other side of the room, Nick let go of her of her hand, giving her a sympathetic smile, his eyes pleading with hers to co-operate.

Carla's stomach lurched and churned at the same time as she took small steps forward, placing one foot on cold hard steel, taking a deep breath before placing the other on too. Her face eerily serene except for her eyes. Her eyes looked frightened and sad and alone and guilty

David fiddled with various buttons on the scales, taking notes of Carla's height and weight before inputting the results on the computer next to him. Nick watched closely as David's brow furrowed and look of concern briefly crossing his face

"According to your height and weight your BMI is currently 16.3" David murmured

"What does that mean?" Nick asked. Confusion written all over his face

"If you could take Carla back to her room and I'll be back to talk to you in a moment" David gathered all of his notes before taking his leave, a silence fell between Carla and Nick, neither knowing what more to say. Finally after what seemed like ages, Nick opened the door and slipped out, Carla followed behind her, and stopped when they rounded the corner

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a rubbish boyfriend. I'm sorry for not helping sooner. I'm should have-"

"No, Nick. Don't –"

"All this guilt…it's too much. You shouldn't have gone through all that ,I could have done something, prevented things getting so bad"

"This is my fault. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this" Carla admitted, tears filling her eyes

"I'm supposed to look after you. I hate how you treat yourself. And today, seeing you shoving those pills down your throat so desperately made me feel hopeless. Sad. But above all I felt scared. Not for me, but for you"

"There you are" David smiled "Shall we go through?"

"Can Nick stay?"

"Of course. If you're comfortable with him hearing what I have to say? " Carla nodded in reply as she held tightly onto Nicks hand as they entered the room

"I'd like to do a full assessment with you at a later date but from your blood results, answers and your BMI I would like to initially diagnosis you with an eating disorder, specifically Anorexia Nervosa "

"Anorexia? " Nick asked in disbelief, sure he was the first to admit that Carla was suffering with some sort of eating disorder, but he never imagined it was this bad

"Her BMI is extremely low, she fits the criteria for the diagnosis " David replied "I'd like to put you back on an IV and we'll get you a prescription filled out for numerous vitamins "

"Can I go home?" Carla whispered. Her head felt heavy, tears threatened to spill from her eyes

"The doctor would like you to stay overnight, finish the IV and I need to fill out some paperwork. And I think you could do with the rest" David smiled "A nurse will be in the administrate your IV and something for that headache. Unfortunately I'm going to have to ask your boyfriend to leave now"

Carla nodded numbly as Nick kissed the top of her head "I'll be back first thing in the morning " He promised, as he turned to leave, a gentle hand fell round his wrist, causing him to turn his head around. His own green eyes meeting her emerald ones, the latter appearing to search for something. It felt oddly safe. Just being held captive in the gaze

"I love you" He whispered, before finally turning and left. Nick walked out of the hospital, which felt ten times smaller. Outside, it was drizzling, He swiftly made his way out to his car. Getting in, he closed the door and leaned his head against the steering wheel. Ugly sobs racked through him, and for once he set aside his pride to cry.

He fell in love with long Raven hair and early morning kisses, a cheeky smile and a dirty laugh. Soft eyes and even softer lips; late-night conversations about everything and nothing at all. Looking into the kitchen cupboard and seeing too many mugs for only one person

Stealing her shower gel, his favourite smell, just to hear the fondly exasperated sigh of his name. Lopsided smiles and just noticeable freckles, unbridled laughter giving way to soft giggles. Cuddling in sleepy silence while sharing morning coffee, a head on his shoulder with soft breaths on his neck. Nick fell in love with Carla

Nick couldn't fall in love with a rumbling stomach. The sound of pacing at 2 a.m. Meals replaced with coffee. Hour long showers spent looking in the mirror and never being happy with the reflection.

Making dinner for two only eaten by one, kisses tasting faintly of mouthwash and bile. Hiding behind layers of clothing, always wearing jackets but never being warm. Blue and purple nails to match the blossoming bruises, stumbling footsteps and crashing into walls. Every new bone that pushes through skin breaking Nick's heart just a little bit more.

Nick fell in love with Carla but he could never fall in love with her eating disorder.


	22. Chapter 22

Just a quick update as i try to get back into this story. Enjoy!

Carla's life had always been hectic, it wasn't really surprising that she had unhealthy ways to deal with the chaos. She couldn't really remember the first time she felt out of place, that she didn't quite belong.

She had convinced her self that she could stop when ever she wanted, that she didn't actually have an eating disorder, she just wanted to prove something to everyone.

The few days she's spent in hospital have been hard, she sat in her room with tears rolling down her cheeks as she made the terrifying realisation that no, she couldn't change, this was a part of her life now and even though Tracy had finally admitted the truth, lifted the guilt and pain, Carla still couldn't stop counting calories.

The scariest part was that Carla didn't want to change, she felt like this little obsession was what defined her, she didn't know who she was with out it. She presses her palms in to her eyes, willing herself not to cry, and failing, because she's useless. Tears drip down her cheeks, and she knows she's teetering on the edge of a panic attack, knows that she needs to call someone, or practice one of those breathing techniques the doctors kept banging on about.

She idly flips her phone in her hand, she is dying to speak to Nick but she just cant muster the courage to press the dial button. For now, though, she sits, and cries, and chokes on gasps of air, because she can see the look on his face as he looks at her, she knew that she was a burden, she knew it, and everyone who has spent hours convincing her otherwise was wrong, and she hates herself, everything about herself, she's a mess, and awful and inconvenient.

She manages to take a deep breath and closes her eyes, willing herself to calm down as she runs a hand through her hair, and as she brings her hand down she finds strands of hair - brittle, and dry between her too thin fingers. She brings her hand back up and entwines her fingers through her hair as she sobs when a hand closes around her wrist and gently untangles it from her fingers.

"Carla? Sweetheart? what happened?"

Nick is sitting in front of her, cheeks flushed from the nip of the winter wind, his hair a mess from being bundled under his hat, he looks tired and cold and anxious but still somehow he looks at her with nothing but unconditional love

"Carla?" Nick asks again, a little more urgently, and reaches out to touch her cheek. Carla cups a hand over Nicks, holding it in place, and then presses a kiss to the back of his hand.

Carla takes a breath, it's so much easier now that Nicks here, but she's suddenly horribly aware of how vulnerable and exposed she is. How do you tell someone who loves you so deeply that you hate yourself?

"What if I can't get over this? What if we cant get over this?"

"I'm not saying its going to be easy, that I totally understand or that I can make you better, but if will do whatever I can to help you" Nick still feels like it's too much. He can't figure out how he feels about it, so maybe it would be good for him to talk to her about it

"What if I don't want to be fixed" Carla mumbles

"What do you mean? You want to get better, don't you? he says angrily, and this is not the first time they've had this discussion

"I don't feel that I can, or that i want to" She admits. "I'm sorry," she whispers and her throat tightens around the words.

Nick looks at her, surprised and swallows thickly, praying that his voice stays strong for this. He feels raw and his emotions are bubbling on the surface, and he's not sure what to do about them.

"I don't even know where to start with all this" He admits "I'm not going to lie that i am finding this so hard but I also know that's just not true. I know you want to get better otherwise we wouldn't be here. We wouldn't be talking about this" He sighs and puts his forehead against Carla's, creating a safe space for them

"You are more than your past, your problems and more importantly you are more than your eating disorder. You are Carla. The love of my life"

The intimacy of it kills Carla but she just accepts him, accepts all his hard truths. All the shit that he's been through. How it doesn't change how he looks at her or how he loves her

Carla doesn't understand it. Can't understand it. She's lived with the conviction that the things that have happened to her, happened because she deserved them for a long, long time.

"I will remind you of this every day if I have to," Nick whispers, his voice holding such conviction that Carla knows that he will

"The doctor suggested we talk to someone, together" "Carla says and glances at Nick to gauge his reaction.

"Okay. What do you think about that?"

Carla nods and shrugs. she's not sure.

"I don't know. I guess it would do us good?" She looks at Nick fully now, licking her lips nervously.

"Do you want that?" he asks carefully.

Carla shrugs and looks down at her hands. She's so conflicted about it. She's spent such a long time dealing with things on her own. Never one to reach out for the hand offering to help. Its hard for her to let it all go.

"Maybe?" she finally settles on. Nick smiles, pleased, and puts an arm around Carla to pull her in for a kiss.

"Maybe is a much better start than no," Nick says against her lips, making Carla smile with him. He keeps a strong hold on her, tethering her to him. He can't let go of her. Carla wants to live in this bubble with Nick forever. She feels safe here. Which is not a feeling that she is used to in any way


End file.
